Halloween Hipsters

There are people in my office today wearing costumes pretending they hate to be wearing a costume.  Do you know what I mean?  Like, either wear a costume and own it, or don't wear one.  Obvi.

So tonight is my first night in a real house with real trick-or-treaters.  Do you think they will be mad that I am giving out Mary Jane's and Bullseyes?

KIDDING.  Those are the worst candies ever after Circus Peanuts.  Yuck.  I am giving out awesome candy, of course, with a non-chocolate option for the allergic kids.  It will be a little hectic, as Bink and I are flying solo (working Husband) so I am going to take her around and then hand out candy.  Ambitious, I know, but I was treasurer of the German Club in high school, so we should be good.

Also, during the Sandy storm, I watched the episode where Joey gives it up to Pacey three times in a row.  That is all.


I KNEW there was something else!

Two things.  Okay.  So this has been kind of a weird week.  Yesterday, to make myself feel better, I got a bagel at my favorite bagel place by my office.  Now, the bagel kid and I are good friends.  In "that" way.  Not really, I mean, we've never made out or anything, but he does give me extra pickles when I order sandwiches from there (they do breakfast AND lunch, heaven), so that is basically the same thing, or a further base.  So I order my bagel, and while he is toasting it, he flips on his beatbox, and BLASTS the song "Ass & Titties", from like 20 years ago.  This is a song that everyone knows and is obsessed with, but like, you don't ever hear it on the radio.  It's just something that gets passed along, like when Andrea and Steve went to exchange the egg on that 90210 episode where Emily Valentine drugs Brandon so they could do it?  Or he would dance?  I forget.  And don't care.

Anyway, he turns it up all the way, and I am dying laughing because it is so ridiculous, and the owner comes running out from the back and is like "TURN THAT DOWN!" because it is FILTHY, and the kid, not joking, says "I can't help that I'm a gangsta."  Like, there was no way he could have prevented the incident.  And he toasted my bagel extra dark, which is just how I like my bagels and men.  Um, what?  Anyway, it was the best thing ever and I wasn't sad anymore.

For your viewing pleasure.  I didn't watch this, so I really hope it isn't super dirty:

My Rhino-Trophy-Head brings all the boys to the yard...

I was going to take the plunge and buy it today - but it is sold out!!  I'm so sad.  I totally know one of you bought it - show yourself!  Or don't.  However, One King's Lane has "The Winter Lodge" sale today, which is of course rife with trophy heads.  Ideally, I'd like a real one (and nobody give me any of that "hunting is murder" crap, I'm guessing you've never done it, and if you truly did, you would know that it isn't like that), but I feel like a fakey will do fine in the interim.

Anyway, onto other important things.  Like how I made a total garbage salad today (everything fresh in the fridge went in here) and it's not pretty.  Actually, it stinks (not literally, it just doesn't taste good) and I almost want to call Husband to warn him to go get a good salad - or whatever he wants, because this one will ruin his day.  It has already ruined mine... dah duuuuuuh....

So, now that I've forgiven you for totally copying me and stealing my rhinocerous head (I would have named him Timothy, HOW could you have done that to Timothy??  Kidding.  I wouldn't have named him.  I would have let Bink do it, because she insists everything has a name, and it can't be a cop-out name, like "apple-y", it has to be a legit name and you have to remember what it is or else she will destroy you.), let's discuss important things.  Um... like...

I'll have to get back to you. :)


Decorating and Netflix

So now I am suburb-y, which means I am even lazier than I used to be, because I now only leave my town for work (dumb) - everything else is basically here.  I love suburbs!  I also love not living next door to a drug den, but that's another story.  Anyway, all I do is chase Bink around until she makes me go play in a different room (this happens at least once a day), decorate, and watch old Dawson's Creek episodes on Netflix.  If I had a cool phone or took nice pictures I would totally show you what we've got so far, but neither are happening so I will tell you that I just got this and it is extra cute:

I got it at a store in Portland, ME, but you can get it online, like, anywhere.

We have a playroom that we keep Bink's stuff and our decrepit couches in, which is fine because I don't care if they get destroyed, but I am trying to class it up a teeny bit.  But really, anywhere I am is the epitome of class.  Or something. 

Also, in our foyer, I forced my dad (what, he is good at it and I am NOT) to paint a card table that we had candy-apple red and I put down a black and white chevron rug with a sunburst mirror and it is bank.  Again, I have no pictures but this is the rug:
Alexa Chevron Vibe Zebra Black/ White Rug (4' x 5'7)
Cute and hides stains with its' busyness.  Busy-ness?
So decorating is super fun and my next purchase is going to be some sort of antler.  I married into a hunting family, so really, I'd like Husband to bag a deer (I think that is how fancy hunters say it, but probably not) and we could have a REAL head, but in the interim I'm looking for the fakies for our man-town living room.  

Tozai Rhinoceros Trophy Head
I like that this is a rhinoceros. That is all.
When I'm not doing this, I am watching season 3 of Dawson's Creek and holding out for when Pacey and Joey bone.  It is so, so good.  Like, as awesome as I remember it being in 1999.  And obviously I think I am Joey Potter.  Obviously.  Oh, Pacey... sigh...


I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

So I've imposed a shopping ban.  And everything in the world is cute and buyable.  So I may break that today, we will see.  Anyway, here are some awesome things you can buy or read or watch or listen to.

Body by Bethenny.  I bought this because they used to have it for free on OnDemand and they took it away and it only cost $8 and I am obsessed.  I HATE exercising but realize that it is very necessary and therefore I do this one.  Love it.

Don't hate it and it's doable, the only things I look for in exercise.
Maybelline The Falsies Flared Volum'Express mascara.  My first love is the Trish McEvoy tubie mascara, but it dries out within a few months and it costs $30 so a budget friendly version was in order.  This one, I love.  But you need to use eyemakeup remover to take it off and not look like a morning after hobag, even if that is what you are. 

Total drag queen lashes. Fabulous.
Animal prints for Bink.  So, I hate light pink and girly stuff.  Well, not entirely true but I hate dressing Bink in babyish clothes.  She is fun and flirty and should be dressed accordingly.  Fun and flirty!  Anyway, girlfriend's fall and winter wardrobe is comprised of hot pinks, reds, and animal prints.  It is SO cute.  GapKids has a ton of cute stuff, but of course I can't find anything online, and I got some fleeces from Old Navy and Kohls.  It all goes together in a Garanimals type of way, and it's super cute. 

Love this when it goes on super crazy sale. Because Bink grows WAY too fast for a $60 dress. I don't even wear $60 dresses.

One King's Lane.  They have sales!  And it's fabulous!  And it's awesome.  Seriously, I found some really cool stuff for Bink and Turkish towels for super cheap so I can be Gwyneth Paltrow.  Because all I truly want is to either be Paul Simon or Gwyneth Paltrow.  And click on this link and I'll get tons of cash:  BUY ME!!

Now for an honorable mention: The Mindy Project.  So the first episode was okay, the second one was funny, and the third one sucked.  I will continue to give her a chance, but I really hope it gets funnier, because I feel like that crazy nurse guy could be HILARIOUS.

Why having feelings about snakes never gets you anywhere

Okay, so there is a snake living under a rock in our front yard.  Two eyes, not one.  Sinner!  That wasn't funny.  Anyway, obviously we are all terrified of snakes, which led to significant debate regarding whether or not anyone should like snakes.  Like, not be afraid of snakes.  Here are the arguments:

If you are afraid of snakes, that is normal.

If you are not afraid of snakes, that is dangerous, because then you would not be scared of a snake biting you and killing you.

If you are not afraid of snakes, then you are a creep who likes snakes.

You're welcome.

Okay, I was going to put a picture of a snake here, but all of them scared me.  So here are the Olsen twins.

How rude. And snakes.


Breaking Up with Breaking Amish

Okay, so last night while I was folding and putting things away, I decided to relax with everyone's favorite non-English, the crazy kids from Breaking Amish.  And I had to shut it off.  Now, before you get all up in arms, like, "she is so snobby!" I will remind you that I have Phat Girlz on my DVR and I will never, EVER get rid of it.  So it's not like I think it's bad because I have good taste.  I have very, very bad taste.  But even I cannot do it.  It is SO BAD.

First of all, it is SO fake.  Now, I don't mind fake reality TV - I own the 6-episode stint Britney did back when she was married to Kevin (do you like the way I rock it?  Boy, it's chaotic), but this is painful.  Like, Abe's mother showed up with Rebecca's family - like, they're not supposed to know each other, but since in real life they, like, have a CHILD together, obviously they do.  And Rebecca and KateAshleeSimpson decide to be models?  Come on.  So stupid.  I finally shut it off when Jeremiah went into that store and put on the Slash hat and looked like a tiny ringmaster in the Olivia books.  It was just too much.

I'm not recording these anymore, which is something I rarely do.  Commitment is a very big part of my life, but this is just too terrible to bear.  Let's find a new awful show to obsess over.  I think Hart of Dixie is coming back soon...

I thought this was Rebecca giving the finger. It is not.

You're welcome.

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

Throw your clothes!  On the floor!  I wanna ta-ake my clo-othes off, too-ooh-ooh...

So, we are moved.  Not all the way done, obviously, is this sort of thing ever done?  But we're living there, which is so nice.  Also, Bink has been getting up at 4:30 - thoughts?  Besides "that really sucks?"  I know.  But she loves it.  It's too bad my neighbors are probably calling CPS because last night, we went for a nice little walk on our street.  We live in a cul-de-sac and we were taking a little walk when our nature-loving Bink decides to get up close and personal with a bug on the sidewalk.  So lays flat on her face on said sidewalk and starts licking it.  Yes, licking it.  I say "We don't do that, let's get up!" and try to coax her onto her feet.  No dice.  Of course.  So, in an attempt to calmly get her up, I go to pick her up.  You know where this is going.  MELTDOWN CITY.  I am sure all of my neighbors are horrified and will take back the banana muffins they gave us last week. 

Onto the good stuff...

1. COSTCO.  Yeah, we joined this weekend.  And it was AMAAAAAAZING.  Kirkland brand for LIFE.  I bought three different kinds of macaroni and cheese and I am SO excited.  Also, their lotion is awesome - just the plain one - it's like $8 for two huge bottles and I am soft as a baby's cheek.  I don't like to say bottom, btw.

2. WineMcDonalds.  There is a building down the street from me that contains a McDonalds and a wine store.  There is a large opening in the middle of the store so you can easily go back and forth between.  It is the most wonderful place in the whole, wide world.  It's basically all I talk about to Husband and even he is like "yeah, it is pretty cool."  Because it is also SHADY as f@ck.  I am so in love it is not to be believed.  Probably I'll describe this place in more detail soon, because it definitely deserves it.

3. Skinny pants.  Seriously, where have they been all my life?  I am all hips and thighs and love loose tops and these make my life easy and wonderful in all areas.  Today (as well as the previous three days) I have been wearing my moleskin skinny pants from Banana from, like four years ago, and I cannot stop checking myself out.  I know, obnoxious, but I love them!

Okay, that's it for now.  Mwah.


Monday, we're back to regularly scheduled programming

Swearsies.  Yup, S, I said swearsies.  And I MEAN it.

Anyway, the move commences this weekend, which means a few things...

1. Back to having a life.  It's been packing, bringing stuff to the new house, renovating the new house, all that stuff for about a month.  I will tell you, it stinks.  I am SO excited to be done with that it is not to be believed.  That said, I think last night I MAY have hit rock bottom.  Advise: last night I packed until the living room was full and there was nowhere to put boxes, so I took a short break.  I poured a nice big glass of three-buck-Chuck, foraged in our pitifully empty fridge (obviously, who grocery shops just to schlep everything across town?  No, thanks.) and found some potato salad my aunt had made for us.  Note: I hate potato salad passionately.  PASSIONATELY.  But for some reason, my aunt's potato salad is the greatest thing in the whole world.  So I grabbed the giant Tupperware she'd given me (she also made us a ham and chicken soup, HEAVEN), sat on the couch, and turned on the TV.  And that is when I remembered.  I did it.  I did the most amazing thing ever over the weekend.

I taped Phat Girlz.

What is Phat Girlz, you ask?  Um, only the most ridiculous and hilarious movie EVER.  It stars Mo'nique before she was Precious's mom and it is basically about this heavy girl and her best friend, who are getting screwed eight ways to Sunday for not being skinny, when they meet an African prince and his Arsenio Hall-esque lackey a la Coming to America, and guess what?!  They all fall in love!  And then randomly for no reason Mo'nique becomes a famous fashion designer and her clothing line is called... wait for it... Thick MaDAME.  OMG, I am laughing so hard just sitting here thinking about it.  It's on Oxygen ALL the time at, like 2 AM.  You MUST DVR it.  It is SO amazing.

So I turn on Phat Girlz and am laughing uproariously and drinking my wine and eating a giant plastic bowl of potato salad when Husband comes home early and totally catches me with, like, mayonnaise on my face.  We may be getting divorced.  Just kidding, he thought it was hot.  ANYWAY, that is legit the ONLY story I have from the past month. 

2. I can continue spending all the money in the world on home decor.  I love it, but wow, expensive!  Living in crappy apartments you don't care about is cheap.  Having a home that is 5x the size of the apartment and you care about it?!  Expensive!  But that's okay, because I can spend all day secretly pretending I am Genevieve Gorder, aka My Idol (that makeup!  That hair!  The way she says assessories!) and buying elephant tables.  When it is set up, I'll show you and you will love it.  Promise.  Unless you hate it.  If you do, don't tell me, okay?

3. Produce.  I will start buying it again.  Thank GOODNESS.

There's more, I know there is, but I'm tired now and have to get back to doing important things like not getting pedicures.  So we'll come back on Monday, refreshed, recharged, and ready to tackle life.  I leave you with this.  You are so, so welcome.


I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

I'm going to pretend you don't notice it is Wednesday.  Tricky!  Also, I watch this video every time I post it.  And it's ridiculous.

1. THIS song.  It's going to be my wedding song with my brother-in-law.  I'll explain.  I have taken so much crap from this turkey over the years that I think it is only fair that I get a big-time solo at his wedding.  What?  That is not weird.  Chances of it actually happening: 0%.  But it's so funny to think of it actually taking place that we talk about it all the time.  I assume this hilarious banter will stop when he does get engaged, but I will enjoy it while it lasts.

2. Garnier Fructis Pure Clean Styling Cream.  This 100% takes out frizz if you have tons of unruly, dry, horrible hair like mine.  It is HEAVEN.

Garnier Fructis Style Pure Clean Smoothing Cream
Get it. And it's like always on sale at CVS.
3. Buffalo chicken pasta from Plain Chicken.  I've made it 58390 times and it's so delicious.  Basically I think anything from Plain Chicken is amazing.  Nothing is too complicated and everything tastes SO good. 

Pinned Image
Delicioso! To quote Bink...
This is a quickie this week.  Ha, quickie. 

What is it you plan do with your one wild and precious life?

Do you guys know who Tucker Max is?  I guess he is famous, but I had not heard of him until I went to the library on Monday and found his book, "Hilarity Ensues."  I got it, obviously, because "hilarity ensues" is awesome.  Basically, it's about his drunken antics with his friends and girls.  I was kind of over the stories after a little while - if I were reading this at 23 I would have found it much cooler, I think - but he's a good writer and I did like how he was totally honest about stuff and how he just went for the life he wanted.  I'm a self-help book junkie (ONLY from the library, I never buy those books.  Actually, I very rarely buy books.  I love the library like a fat kid loves cake.  Or reading, if they are bookish.) and of course every book says that you have to pay attention to your life and what you are doing and how you are living it, and sometimes I think that I am doing exactly that, and other times I catch myself totally coasting.  Like, I should be using more of my brain and doing what I think I'm really good at instead of going on Facebook.  That's all very nice to SAY, but isn't it tough to actually DO it?  I think it is.  So maybe I'll start trying a little harder, doing the things that I really want to do - accomplishing goals and all of that.  But first I guess I'd have to really think about my goals, and do I want to share them?  Are they cheesy?  Is it better to put it out there or keep it to myself?  Stupid self-doubt.  I am also reading a book about raising a brave child (mostly I am reading this for myself - Bink so brave I cannot believe it) and it makes me see how I want to raise my child/ren (not preg), and while I'm doing a lot that I like, I definitely don't want to pass on any issues with self-doubt, or really, have any self-doubt of mine.  What if all of the negative things I think about myself aren't true?  What would happen if I wasn't scared? 

If I wasn't scared, probably I would do a lot of things.  Hm, maybe a bucket list isn't the worst thing in the world.  It's not like my dream is to do some sort of donkey show.  Ew.  Crass.  But why should anyone be embarrassed by their dreams and goals?  Why should anyone keep that to themselves?  I think I will think about this and make a list.  Everyone else make a list, too, okay?  Sounds good. 

This girl's art is awesome. I have a few of her pieces at home and they are my favorites.


Breaking Down Breaking Amish

Okay, episode two was WAY better than the premiere because, well, this one was a whole lot more ridiculous.  Let's discuss, via my many, many observations and stupid questions, what happened...

  • Why is Rebecca so mean?  She was snarky to Sabrina about eating, and mean about Kate.  It's not like Kate came up to her and was like "Yeah, I'm beautiful Amish and you have no teeth."  I think she is insecure.  But I still don't think it requires all the snark.  Funny snark is one thing, she just kind of bugs me.
  • Why does Abe love her so much?  I wish he did not love her so much.  I want him to be swept away by some English girl who will make him cut off his long back-hair.  Note that I did not mean the hair on his  back, I mean the long hair on the back of his head.  Why is that there? 
  • I loved drunk Kate and Sabrina.  That is exactly how my girlfriends and I are, down to the coverings.  That's Amish for bonnet, btw.  Pay attention!
  • Rebecca's fake teeth storyline made me mad because it made me feel badly, even though really who cares if she has false teeth?  Like, better that than no teeth.  I don't think they should have made fun of her, but then Rebecca basically called her fat, so are they even?
  • Going to the store was a nightmare.  Also, do they have kitchens in their hotels?  I feel like they bought meat, but maybe they were just looking at it? 
  • Abe calling girls "skanks".  Heaven in a glass of unpasteurized cow's milk.
  • Jeremiah only had like one funny one-liner and I expected more.  It's still early. 
  • I would not want to share Rebecca's bed.
  • I also missed Rebecca sharing the shunning story about her mom.  And I wasn't even drinking.  BUNK.
  • Basically, this is the first season of the Real World, before it got too stupid, right?
  • Kate looks like Ashlee Simpson.
  • Next week!  Abe's weirdo mom busts sh!t up!  Amish Gronk Brother is nowhere to be found.
I feel like next time I have to watch this with wine.  It was really good, but it could be WAY better.



Okay, how was the weekend?  Mine was busyish.  I will say that I cannot WAIT to get into this house.  I am sick of the apartment, and hate it the most.  But I do enjoy purchasing many, many items from Home Goods so it's not terrible or anything.  It will just be nice to be moved in.  Maybe, like, two more weeks?

Bink now thinks she invented gymnastics.  She loves it.  Last week she cried like someone was trying to steal her Dora doll or give her a hug.  Also, terrible twos.  Wow.  She's not two yet, but same diff.  She's a toughie.

Hallmark movies are better than Lifetime movies.  Well, sometimes.  This weekend on Hallmark there were, like, 5980 movies that were awesome.  They were wholesome and pure and really, really stupid and starred many Full House alumns like Gia, Stephanie's wild friend, and DJ Tanner.

Dinner.  Who makes dinner and who wants to help me with options?  I am in a RUT.  Keep buying groceries but never have anything to make or eat. 

And finally, this is the weirdest toy ever.  I really, really want to buy it.

Theo Klein Styling Head Career Toy
It's a Styling Head. Remember the awesome Barbie one of these?


Breaking Amish

Anyone?  Yeah, it's amazing.  Let's discuss.  I am steadily working my way through my two-buck Chuck and to help me along are Rebecca, Jeremiah, Sabrina, Abe and Kate, the Model Amish.  HEAVEN.  Okay, so my girlfriends and I watched the first episode last night.  Let's start off by saying that US WEEKLY said that this show was exploitative, so, um, yeah, you know it's going to be horrifying, but we persevered.  Because it is a total trainwreck that also lead to some really deep thinking...

1. Okay, these kids are Amish and Mennonites - I know Sabrina can use electricity, but can she use the internet and TV?  How did they get to be on this show in the first place?  Like, how would they have known about it?  The only thing we came up with was that random TLC producers were walking around their communities and asked them.  How else could it have worked?

2. Why was it okay for Abe's family to be on TV but, like, nobody else?  And why was Ella so mean and manly?  And why did Andy look like Rob Gronkowski? 

3. How did Rebecca get that FAT wad of cash? 

4. Why did they keep alluding to Kate's DUI but never actually talk about it on the show?  Did I miss something when I was getting more wine?

5. Jeremiah and Sabrina are adopted.  How did that happen?  I thought the whole point was to be separate so how did adoption even come up? 

6. Why am I so in love with Abe's brother/Gronk?  Will he be on future episodes?

7. Why was it the shortest hour of television ever?  It seriously lasted like 68 seconds. 

8. Why are they shunned if they leave?  I thought the whole rumspringa thing was exactly this, so why will they have to eat outside from now on?

Okay, everyone please watch this with me so we can discuss because I promise I'm going to be addicted. 


Boob Lamps

Okay, I am going to share with you something very personal and awful.  It happened over the weekend and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.  Let me start by saying that the girl I sit next to has a really annoying ringtone (who has ringtones anymore?  Doesn't everyone just do vibrate?  On my old phone, back in the 2000s, my ringtone was from Family Guy, from the episode where Brian becomes a drug sniffing police dog and becomes addicted to cocaine and Meg says "Wow, Brian, have you lost weight?  You gotta tell me your secret?" and Brian says, "Here's a hint, put down the fork!! FACE!"  It was a long ringtone.) and someone keeps calling her.  Now let me tell the story.

So on Saturday, I went to Home Depot three times.  Prior to Saturday, my lifetime Home Depot visits were one.  I will say that I adore Home Depot and cannot wait to go back to get stick-on backsplash and mirrors and more paint to transform all of my old ecky furniture into Pinterest-worthy items.  My first two trips to HD were to purchase mirrors for the bathrooms, various nails, and other things that I forget but were very important at the time. My third visit was taken with my little brother.  We had been working and chasing Bink around all day and maybe getting a little punchy.  We were tasked to buy five lights for the bedrooms and living room and had very little time to do so.

CEILING PAINT!  That's what we bought on the second trip.

So the HD lighting section is large and wonderful.  Most of the lighting is tasteful and simple, but of course my brother found the ceiling fan-slash-light-up-globe-planet and became totally obsessed with it and tried to make me buy it.  I would not.  So he stood there, like this, staring up at this stupid fan while I did all of the hard work:
Looking lovingly at the globe light. Sans Jonas Brother haircut.
Also, do you know any Jonas Brothers songs?  I don't know any.  So why are they so famous?  And why is Carly Rae Jepsen Justin Beiber's protege?  He's like fourteen and she is at least old enough to vote or buy cigs.

So I pick out my lights and tell him we can go and he looks at me and is like "You have to put those back."

Me: "What?  Shut up, we have to get back.  These lights are awesome."

Bro: "No, they are not.  You have to put them back."


Bro: "Fine.  You should, but fine.  But you have to put those lights back, anyway."

Me: "Why?"

Bro: "I'm not saying it."

Me: "I don't know what you are talking about!"

Bro: "Don't.  Make.  Me.  Say.  It."

Me: "TELL ME!!"

Bro: "Fine.  You asked.  It's because... they look like boobs."


We do NOT say "boob" to each other!  We just don't.  It cannot be explained or helped or defended.  It is just how it is.  I could not look at him for like two hours and was so furious.  Not to mention he was WRONG and they did NOT look like boobs!

Fine, they TOTALLY did.  He was right and I was wrong.  But it doesn't make it okay.  Boob lamps for life!


OMG.  Rugs.  I need to get three rugs.  One for the dining room, one for the living room, and one for the foyer.  Do you say "foy-ay" like they do in Troop Beverly Hills?  Yeah, me, too.  Also, this weekend Troop Beverly Hills, Sound of Music and Super Troopers were on multiple times.  It was really annoying to have to do house stuff, because there isn't a tv there yet.  I digress...

So I need a 10x14 turquoise rug, an 8x10 gray chevron rug, and a cool blackish rug for the foy-ay because I have a candy-apple red table and sunburst mirror (from HOME DEPOT, which I will tell you about when I have recovered from) and that would look cool and slick.  For some reason, choosing these rugs has been impossibly torturous and terrible.  Like, harder than giving birth or watching an entire football game sans beer.

OH.  Cisco Brewers Pumple Drumkin is the best pumpkin beer ever because it is not too sweet and therefore you can have like ten of them.  Or two.  But I love pumpkin beer but after the first one I am always sweeted out, but it is not the case with these.  I don't know if these are local because Cisco is on Nantucket, but if you can get it they are worth a try.  UNLESS you like the really sweet pumpkin beer.  Then you will hate it and be mad at me, so don't try it.  Are we clear?

Also, look at how cute the little pumpkin man is!

So, I am buying the rugs on Overstock and don't try to give me any hip new websites to try, because I won't use them.  I'll look at them and love things but then go back to Overstock, it's just how it's going to be.  So look on Overstock if you want and tell me if you like anything.  And I'll obsess and not buy it. 

I'll Make Love to you Tuesday... Trader Joe's Edition

Yes, it's Wednesday.  Anyway, a Trader's FINALLY opened about 1.4 miles from my house (house, dude that feels good to say) and I went.  And people apparently don't know how to act in "stores" because everyone in there was losing their minds 100%.  Like, guys, I know we don't have these, but it's still a grocery store.  Same rules apply.  So here are the best things I got... I am so hungry.

1. Dark chocolate peanut butter cups.  Um, yes.  Heaven.
2. Chipotle hummus.  It was, like, five cents.  Or $1.99.  Deeeeeelicious.  Or, delicioso, as Bink likes to say when she is excited and starts speaking random Spanish.
3. Case of cabernet sauvingnon.  It was CHEAP.  And again, delicioso.  That time, I was moved to Spanish.
4. Light coconut milk.  Ninety-nine cents!  It's, like $4 everywhere else. 
5. These brownie chip bars.  SO good.  Bink ate, like 3 at once.  I let her, because I am an awesome mom.  And also, drunk on cab.


It's My Birthday

Birthdays are fun, I always like to know when it's someone's birthday, and today it is mine.  I forgot how old I was, which is perfectly fine and no bigs, except I thought I was younger.  Oh, well!  That's okay.  So, biggest day of the year aside, what else has been happening?

Bought a house.  It's awesome.  We'll be painting this weekend, if you want to come over with brownies and brushes.  There is also a sweet swingset and playhouse that Bink is obsessed with.

Also, Dora?  Yikes.  She is the worst and Bink is OBSESSED.  It's awful for all involved, particularly me.  Also, there are many iterations of Dora.  She can have like 568490 Dora dolls and it's always the one at Grammy's that she HAS to have, except we're home.  Oh, Dora, you scamp!

Bought a car.  It's also awesome.  I never cared about cars - my current car is a piece of junk, but we traded in Husband's piece of junk and got a pimp ride.  It has leather seats.  Um, what?  Yes, I know.  And I love driving it. 

My father-in-law bought me 25 nips for my birthday.  Nobody can top that.

So, yeah, today I am buying makeup and outfits and drinking wine - yes, I am working - and it's awesome. 

And right here I wanted to pop in the video of the episode of Saved by the Bell where they throw a party for Screech in Mr. Belding's office but for some reason it's not easily found on YouTube.  That has to be a mistake, right?

Happy birthday to me!



This is what just happened, in the form of an email sent to Citizens' Bank. 

APPALLED.  That is the only word I can use right now.  I am closing on a house tomorrow, and I am not allowed to access my money because my driver's license, THE LICENSE I USED TO OPEN THE ACCOUNT, has my maiden name on it, and the account was opened in my married name.  I was made to feel embarrassed in my local branch, as if I were trying to commit some sort of FRAUD, even though they were looking at me, all of my information, verified my signature and saw multiple IDs with my married name on it.  I called the "customer help" line (rude, useless, completely unhelpful should be what you call it) and they basically said I had no options, even though this was YOUR MISTAKE when you opened my account - I have not gotten a new license so the information entered into the system is exactly the same as what I have today.  When I need my money most, I cannot use it.  I have put my trust in Citizens and they have failed me miserably.  As soon as this mess is straightened out, I am closing my account. 

Nobody go to Citizens' Bank.  Tell your friends.  No, seriously, do it.

DJ and I are running away from Citizens. Also, this is the best Full House episode of all time.

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

There aren't THAT many versions of this song, but really, who cares because it's a classic.  Here's what I want to make love to today:

1. Deborah Lippmann polish in Prelude to a Kiss.  Trust me.  Giada nails - you know that perfect color Giada has on her nails on TV.  One coat and samesies.  I will say I got $10 off and wouldn't have bought it otherwise because it is expensive, but I love it.
It also gives you Giada's massive boobs.

2. Signing Bink up for gymnastics.  This should be hysterical.  Girlfriend is a tank, and overly friendly, and has so much energy and listens poorly.  A perfect mix!!!  We start the weekend after Labor Day and I will keep you posted.  What do these kids wear to gymnastics?  I guess this:

3. Cost Plus World Market.  Too bad the closest one is 6 hours away.  The online store is great and I will be decorating my entire house (eek, house, weird) with their stuff.  Seriously, it's awesome.  And so reasonable!!  This is my first favorite.  It's a pouf!  So necessary.
Mallard Green Knitted Pouf
Hello, lover.  Seriously.  We made out.
4. Labor Day.  I am very excited for Labor Day weekend because I am lazy and like days off and am excited to swim because I have a new bathing suit that actually HOLDS my boobs and I'm not flashing my father-in-law at every turn.  I think everyone will be happy about this.

5. MAC lipstick.  Last week I got these and am totally in love.  I am generally a gloss girl, but I feel like when I see myself in pictures, I'm totally washed out. 
MAC Viva Glam V

Lickable. LICKABLE.

Good to be Bad

Ruby Woo

So that's it for now.  Throw your clothes!  On the floor!!!  I wanna ta-ake my clo-othes off too-oo-oo...


Fifty Shades of OMG What a Waste of Time

Um, this book suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!  How many times can one's mouth quirk up in a smile?!  There is no way the real desperate housewives of America actually liked this book.  Please!  It's just one more person telling you what to do!  This is what a REAL erotic fantasy looks like:

... as she plucked a chili cheese fry off of the silver platter he had presented her with, she sighed lusciously.  The bed had been made with crisp, freshly ironed Egyptian cotton sheets and he was giving her a pedicure, complete with paraffin treatment and a calf massage. 

"Give me that remote," she barked, and he reached over and handed her the smooth, cool, unsticky control.  She clicked on Veronica Mars and immediately found What Not to Wear, so she could flip back and forth.  As he kneaded her arch, she enjoyed the peace that had come to her when he arrived in her life.  He smiled politely at her and she closed her eyes.

"I'll be napping when you're through, so please clean the bathroom, vacuum, and make dinner while I rest.  Also, please go to Costco and stock up on toilet paper and wine.  And when I wake up, have a glass of it ready for me," she ordered.  He nodded rapturously.

"It would be my pleasure," he moaned...

Um, I would just like you to know that I basically wrote this whole thing and accidentally erased it, and the rewrite is never as good as the original, but you get the point.  Don't read this book, even if you just got it out of the library and didn't actually buy it.  WASTE.  OF.  TIME.

Rodger Lodge and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

So who remembers Blind Date?  Well, Husband's not-at-all-guilty, loud and proud love is Blind Date.  And my brother loves it, too.  So we went to my brother's house yesterday, found his BEST OF DVD COLLECTION, and took it home with us.  And watched it.  And it was obviously totally stupid and we watched the whole thing.  But the one complaint we both had was "Where is Rodger Lodge?!"  The host with the most?  Remember his insane leather blazers and awkardly hilarious comments that, like, didn't REALLY make sense but were funny anyway?  Yeah, me, too.

Also, is Blind Date still on?  It really should be.


Feed Your Mind Friday

Feed your mind, and the rest will follow!  Be colorblind!  Don't be so shallow!

What do you think En Vogue is doing RIGHT NOW?

So it's Friday, and we're lazy, but I am going to tell you something you've probably never heard.  Reading is really important.  I read a lot because I commute via train and don't have any fancy gadgets like a Smartphone, tablet, or talking frog, but even if I did, I'd still read because I love it.  So I usually go to the library on Thursdays (OH, dude, I place a ton of holds and have been for years, another person JUST started holding books with the same last name as me.  Now I have to check all the books and stop thinking "Dude, I did NOT get out Fifty Shades of Grey!" except that I DID but you get what I mean.  Luckily this "other" person only gets out kids books, which I do not do because Bink eats her books and would kill me if I gave her a precious book and then took it away.) and this week I got some good ones.  Let's discuss, shall we?

Fifty Shades of Grey.  Honestly, I never expected to get this because I was legit 824 on the list to get it so we'll see.  I hear there is fisting and for reals, I don't want to hear it.  Also, the woman who wrote it seems so smarmy and says things like "luscious" (SICK) so I am sure I will hate it.

Margaret Atwood's Lady Oracle.  LOVE Margaret Atwood.  This one came out in 1978 and I'm so excited to read it.

Kyle Richards' Life is Not a Reality Show.  I had to.  It was right there, taunting me with it's hank of luxurious horsehair gathered to one side and Botoxy everything.  

I got other ones, but I haven't read them so what can I tell you about them?  I'll tell you about the books I just returned:

Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened.  Aka the Blogess.  Some parts were really funny, but other parts had too much blood in them.  Blood makes me dizzy and faint, so that was the only downside.

Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus.  Read it.  Amazing.  Just read it and then let's have a book club and drink 4 bottles of wine and many wheels of cheese.

Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl.  I don't know if I loved it or hated it beyond words.  Someone else read it and tell me what to think. 

Maggie Shipstead's Seating Arrangements.  Cute.  I didn't love it, but I liked it.

Okay, go read something, okay?  And don't be like my next door neighbor, who comes over with a bunch of Twilight books and no pants on, trying to offload them on me, promise? 


Dude, NOTHING changes.

So I was looking at old entries and I realize I started this a year ago tomorrow (who cares, not the point) BUT anyway, the bulk of my posts were about birthday cake drama.

And guess what's back?!  Husband MAY have been "miffed" that I did not get him a birthday cake because HOUSE STUFF was going on, so now this cake is going to be for both of us, even though I get to eat it all myself. 

Anyway, last year I was bitching about a cake and samesies for this year.  Sort of.  Also, randomly, Bink has not been sleeping, just like she did last year when she was a baby.  So yeah, nothing changes.  I just wanted to tell you that, in case you thought that wasn't true.  Spoiler: you're wrong.

It's All Right, Cause It's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

You did NOT see that coming, did you?

I'm feeling saucy and snappy so here goes.  Today's random randy roadie is none other than the blonde woman from the Zack Attack episode - the one who steals him away from his wholesome bandmates, only to have her greediness thrown in her face when the gang gets back together and Kelly plays a nun on Santa Barbara.  Also, I miss old soap operas. 

The plotline to Zack Attack is so easy, and the soundtrack (get over it, yes it existed, yes I bought it, and you should try to find "Don't Leave With Your Love" because it is a legit good song) is so excellent, let's focus on blondie.  I am going to say her name is Rhonda, but I know for a fact that is wrong.  I may be in an eighties state of mind because my Spotify is randomly shuffling through ONLY Hall and Oates songs right now (there are other things on there, like Brit and The Lumineers, who you should definitely check out if you have not), but I think it fits.  Let's find some pictures.

And here she is.  That was almost too easy... (say that like Garth Algar in Wayne's World)

Love the jacket.  Seriously, actually I kind of do.  Except I KNOW she has paired it with a white pencil skirt and white shoes, which is just not okay.  I have taste.  I shop at Forever 21, after all.

Okay, who is she and what was her REAL name in that episode? (note: the FOURTH H&O song in a row just came on, and I am on shuffle.  She's Gone, in case you were wondering)

MINDY WALLACE!  I was SO close.  Her real name is Stacie Foster and I will bet you a can of Mountain Dew this was her only role.

Nevermind... she was in everything awesome once.  That's the way to do it.  Also, WHAT is USA High and why didn't I watch this?!  It sounds amazing, like that show that was randomly high school on a boat.  Does anyone else remember that? 

Actress (13 titles)
1998 USA High (TV series)
Excess's Ex (1998) … Judith
1997 Saved by the Bell: The New Class (TV series)
Mission: Control (1997) … Shelly
Into the Woods (1997) … Shelly
1997 Another World (TV series)
Episode #1.8316 (1997) … Kristen
1996 Baywatch Nights (TV series)
Young Woman
Circle of Fear (1996) … Young Woman
1996 Silk Stalkings (TV series)
Barbara Ferry
Runway Strip (1996) … Barbara Ferry
1995 Cyber-Tracker 2 (video)
1995 Steel Frontier (video)
1994 California Dreams (TV series)
Ms Ross
Family Tree (1994) … Ms Ross
1994 CyberTracker
1992 Reasonable Doubts (TV series)
A Rose Is a Rose (1992) … Robin
1992 Star Trek: The Next Generation (TV series)
Relics (1992) … Bartel
1991 Saved by the Bell (TV series)
Mindy Wallace
Rockumentary (1991) … Mindy Wallace
1990 Night of the Living Dead
Doll's Mom Zombie

Okay, be honest...

Except don't, because I already know the answer and I don't want to hear it.

Can I buy a top from Forever 21?  It is NOT anything skanky.  I like flowy blouses, and they make many flowy blouses.  And I would just buy ONE, not, like 6.  Unless I bought 6.


You would NOT know that this is from F21 and not, like ShopBop.

You guys are SO mean.

Oh, right, I am having this fight with myself, but I know it is what you are thinking!!

Summer clothes have officially become boring.  I also bought RED JEANS.  Husband was unimpressed when I tried to explain all of the amazing things I could wear with them, like tops!  He is so dumb.


Um, jeez...

House stuff is expensive!  Also, driving the Corolla all weekend makes me hate it and I want a new car.  But I don't know if that is going to be a priority, now that it has been discovered that Dora the Explorer mermaid dolls, well, exist, and now I have to buy them all for Bink.

Also, she accidentally socked me in the mouth last night and it hurt SO much that I started crying but then had to pretend I was laughing so she wouldn't feel badly.  She's so sensitive!  And has a right cross you wouldn't believe.


Lifetime Movie Friday - Well, at least today - Her Final Fury

So we talk about awesome stuff like wine and babies and outfits, but let's get to the heart of the matter: TV.  Specifically, Lifetime TV.  We all like a good Lifetime movie, but who has the time to cull out all of the REALLY good ones?  Luckily, I am here to save you from wasting your time with non-Reba McIntyre dreck, and will pick out the best Lifetime movie I saw during the week, and since you know they repeat them 5489085 times, you will get to enjoy it as well.  So as to not spoil anything, and because I'm busy, I will only tell you about what happens up until the first commercial break. 

Today, we go with a classic.  Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Final Chapter, starring Meredith Baxter (no Burney).  Why no Burney?  It just doesn't feel right.  I know it's been like 49 years but I don't care.  ANYWAY, I am blogging about this in real time, so you get all the good stuff.

Look up Betty Broderick, because it's a true story and I don't feel like telling you what happened when you can easily Google it and get the real details that I would surely have just made up.  Okay, let's begin.

First, Kelli Williams is in it, and she's like sixteen with a permy-blunt cut.  Heaven.

Meredith is sporting her Family Ties platinum shag-bob, which makes me feel comfortable and safe.  Yet, since she just killed her husband, she is crying on a payphone, which makes me feel sad.  Go bake the random little brother brownies or something!  I need some calm Elise Keaton.  This is not going well.

There is acid wash and Cosby sweaters all over the place.  There is a guy who looks like Jerry Seinfeld, but it isn't him.  And also, he is a really bad actor and that is probably why this is the only movie he's ever been in.  Legit, he is dressed EXACTLY like a Seinfeld episode.

The other sister is a random girl I know I know from somewhere.  She has massive eyebrows and a deep side part.  Okay, a quick IMDB reference tells me she was in Ladybugs, a movie we all loved because of how cute Jonathan Brandis was.  He was SO cute.  Also, in real life, her name is Jandi for some or no reason.

Okay, first commercial break.  You know you love it.



Is LITERALLY my least favorite song.  Top three least favorite songs:

1. Changes
2. Private Dancer
3. Under Pressure

I think 1 and 3 are David Bowie of some sort, right?

Anyway, like, EVERYTHING has changed and it's weirding me out.  I mean, I am VERY grateful because it's all WONDERFUL (and I LOVE CAPS) but it's still weird.  Really, I just want to move and throw things out, like crappy rugs and pack up dishware and all of that stuff, but there are still a few weeks to go.  So basically I'm just cleaning and chasing Bink around the house.  Oh, also?  She's a woman now.  When did that happen??

Also, we need a new car.  Probably some sort of SUV-item, which I am also furious about but apparently a 2000 Corolla with dents all over it doesn't last forever.  Or hold multiple theoretical kids.  FINE. 

And finally, for no reason, "America" by Neil Diamond is running through my head.  And now it's running through yours, too. 

TODAY!!!  Today!!!!  Today!!!

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

(I was on vacation.  More on that later.  Spoiler: nothing happened.  Yay!)

So it's Tuesday, and guess what?  I love THINGS.  So here are some things I love for I'll Make Love to You Tuesday. 

This one is live.  You're welcome.

1. This wine.  So nice and smooth, and I haaaate chardonnay.  White wine season will be over before we know it, so drink up:

2. A doormat.  Since the house stuff is moving along and we'll be moving next month, I am obsessed with all things decor BUT particularly obsessed with a doormat.  Probably because it's my first house?  Anyway, I can't find one that I love and it's driving me to drink (see above).
3. Rizzoli and Isles.  Can I have Maura's wardrobe, please?  Also, can I also have been Dawson's "older" girlfriend slash Pacey's sister?  Well, if I were Pacey's sister, then I couldn't marry him.  Hm.  This is tough.  No, I still want to be her.


4. Okay, STOP singing Shakira and download this song.  It is totally stupid yet awesome.  You know I have a soft spot for lame pop that makes me feel like I'm in college.  Oh, you don't?  Now you do:

5. Filling up tons of shopping carts online for bedding, rugs, curtains, etc., and then chickening out and not buying anything.  Since we're not moving for a month, I don't know if I should wait to buy stuff.  But I want to buy, buy, buy.  Like, what is the big deal to bite the bullet and purchase the West Elm duvet cover and matching sheers?  Oh, it isn't.  But for some reason I'm the Queen of England and nothing is perfect enough for me.  Seriously?  And this clock.  I think I really need it:


I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

First, right?

I have found many things that I would like to make love to, and wanted to share them because if I like it, I imagine you want to know, right?  WHAT.

1. White Chocolate Macadamia Clif Bars.  Um, why didn't you tell me about these?  Delicious.
2. This salad that I've been eating everyday: blackberries, strawberries, arugula, cucumber, goat cheese and walnuts.  No dressing, just throw it in a bowl.  HEAVEN.
3. White Sperry Topsiders.  Yes, they are obnoxious but it can't be helped, it's the truest of true love.
4. BaubleBar.  Cute, well-made jewelry that's not expensive and awesome.  I've gotten like ten things and I'm in love.  Free shipping and $10 off your first purchase.  It is awesome and you should try it and click through my link to buy your billions of things so I get more free jewels.  Free jewels!  So much cute stuff.
5. Miss Advised on Bravo.  It is DRECK.  It's terrible.  But I cannot get enough of it.  I love Julia Allison and her cute outfits!!! 

Five is a good number to start.  Hopefully we'll make some moves on a house today - fingers crossed!! 


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