This is what just happened, in the form of an email sent to Citizens' Bank. 

APPALLED.  That is the only word I can use right now.  I am closing on a house tomorrow, and I am not allowed to access my money because my driver's license, THE LICENSE I USED TO OPEN THE ACCOUNT, has my maiden name on it, and the account was opened in my married name.  I was made to feel embarrassed in my local branch, as if I were trying to commit some sort of FRAUD, even though they were looking at me, all of my information, verified my signature and saw multiple IDs with my married name on it.  I called the "customer help" line (rude, useless, completely unhelpful should be what you call it) and they basically said I had no options, even though this was YOUR MISTAKE when you opened my account - I have not gotten a new license so the information entered into the system is exactly the same as what I have today.  When I need my money most, I cannot use it.  I have put my trust in Citizens and they have failed me miserably.  As soon as this mess is straightened out, I am closing my account. 

Nobody go to Citizens' Bank.  Tell your friends.  No, seriously, do it.

DJ and I are running away from Citizens. Also, this is the best Full House episode of all time.

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

There aren't THAT many versions of this song, but really, who cares because it's a classic.  Here's what I want to make love to today:

1. Deborah Lippmann polish in Prelude to a Kiss.  Trust me.  Giada nails - you know that perfect color Giada has on her nails on TV.  One coat and samesies.  I will say I got $10 off and wouldn't have bought it otherwise because it is expensive, but I love it.
It also gives you Giada's massive boobs.

2. Signing Bink up for gymnastics.  This should be hysterical.  Girlfriend is a tank, and overly friendly, and has so much energy and listens poorly.  A perfect mix!!!  We start the weekend after Labor Day and I will keep you posted.  What do these kids wear to gymnastics?  I guess this:

3. Cost Plus World Market.  Too bad the closest one is 6 hours away.  The online store is great and I will be decorating my entire house (eek, house, weird) with their stuff.  Seriously, it's awesome.  And so reasonable!!  This is my first favorite.  It's a pouf!  So necessary.
Mallard Green Knitted Pouf
Hello, lover.  Seriously.  We made out.
4. Labor Day.  I am very excited for Labor Day weekend because I am lazy and like days off and am excited to swim because I have a new bathing suit that actually HOLDS my boobs and I'm not flashing my father-in-law at every turn.  I think everyone will be happy about this.

5. MAC lipstick.  Last week I got these and am totally in love.  I am generally a gloss girl, but I feel like when I see myself in pictures, I'm totally washed out. 
MAC Viva Glam V

Lickable. LICKABLE.

Good to be Bad

Ruby Woo

So that's it for now.  Throw your clothes!  On the floor!!!  I wanna ta-ake my clo-othes off too-oo-oo...


Fifty Shades of OMG What a Waste of Time

Um, this book suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!  How many times can one's mouth quirk up in a smile?!  There is no way the real desperate housewives of America actually liked this book.  Please!  It's just one more person telling you what to do!  This is what a REAL erotic fantasy looks like:

... as she plucked a chili cheese fry off of the silver platter he had presented her with, she sighed lusciously.  The bed had been made with crisp, freshly ironed Egyptian cotton sheets and he was giving her a pedicure, complete with paraffin treatment and a calf massage. 

"Give me that remote," she barked, and he reached over and handed her the smooth, cool, unsticky control.  She clicked on Veronica Mars and immediately found What Not to Wear, so she could flip back and forth.  As he kneaded her arch, she enjoyed the peace that had come to her when he arrived in her life.  He smiled politely at her and she closed her eyes.

"I'll be napping when you're through, so please clean the bathroom, vacuum, and make dinner while I rest.  Also, please go to Costco and stock up on toilet paper and wine.  And when I wake up, have a glass of it ready for me," she ordered.  He nodded rapturously.

"It would be my pleasure," he moaned...

Um, I would just like you to know that I basically wrote this whole thing and accidentally erased it, and the rewrite is never as good as the original, but you get the point.  Don't read this book, even if you just got it out of the library and didn't actually buy it.  WASTE.  OF.  TIME.

Rodger Lodge and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

So who remembers Blind Date?  Well, Husband's not-at-all-guilty, loud and proud love is Blind Date.  And my brother loves it, too.  So we went to my brother's house yesterday, found his BEST OF DVD COLLECTION, and took it home with us.  And watched it.  And it was obviously totally stupid and we watched the whole thing.  But the one complaint we both had was "Where is Rodger Lodge?!"  The host with the most?  Remember his insane leather blazers and awkardly hilarious comments that, like, didn't REALLY make sense but were funny anyway?  Yeah, me, too.

Also, is Blind Date still on?  It really should be.


Feed Your Mind Friday

Feed your mind, and the rest will follow!  Be colorblind!  Don't be so shallow!

What do you think En Vogue is doing RIGHT NOW?

So it's Friday, and we're lazy, but I am going to tell you something you've probably never heard.  Reading is really important.  I read a lot because I commute via train and don't have any fancy gadgets like a Smartphone, tablet, or talking frog, but even if I did, I'd still read because I love it.  So I usually go to the library on Thursdays (OH, dude, I place a ton of holds and have been for years, another person JUST started holding books with the same last name as me.  Now I have to check all the books and stop thinking "Dude, I did NOT get out Fifty Shades of Grey!" except that I DID but you get what I mean.  Luckily this "other" person only gets out kids books, which I do not do because Bink eats her books and would kill me if I gave her a precious book and then took it away.) and this week I got some good ones.  Let's discuss, shall we?

Fifty Shades of Grey.  Honestly, I never expected to get this because I was legit 824 on the list to get it so we'll see.  I hear there is fisting and for reals, I don't want to hear it.  Also, the woman who wrote it seems so smarmy and says things like "luscious" (SICK) so I am sure I will hate it.

Margaret Atwood's Lady Oracle.  LOVE Margaret Atwood.  This one came out in 1978 and I'm so excited to read it.

Kyle Richards' Life is Not a Reality Show.  I had to.  It was right there, taunting me with it's hank of luxurious horsehair gathered to one side and Botoxy everything.  

I got other ones, but I haven't read them so what can I tell you about them?  I'll tell you about the books I just returned:

Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened.  Aka the Blogess.  Some parts were really funny, but other parts had too much blood in them.  Blood makes me dizzy and faint, so that was the only downside.

Erin Morgenstern's The Night Circus.  Read it.  Amazing.  Just read it and then let's have a book club and drink 4 bottles of wine and many wheels of cheese.

Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl.  I don't know if I loved it or hated it beyond words.  Someone else read it and tell me what to think. 

Maggie Shipstead's Seating Arrangements.  Cute.  I didn't love it, but I liked it.

Okay, go read something, okay?  And don't be like my next door neighbor, who comes over with a bunch of Twilight books and no pants on, trying to offload them on me, promise? 


Dude, NOTHING changes.

So I was looking at old entries and I realize I started this a year ago tomorrow (who cares, not the point) BUT anyway, the bulk of my posts were about birthday cake drama.

And guess what's back?!  Husband MAY have been "miffed" that I did not get him a birthday cake because HOUSE STUFF was going on, so now this cake is going to be for both of us, even though I get to eat it all myself. 

Anyway, last year I was bitching about a cake and samesies for this year.  Sort of.  Also, randomly, Bink has not been sleeping, just like she did last year when she was a baby.  So yeah, nothing changes.  I just wanted to tell you that, in case you thought that wasn't true.  Spoiler: you're wrong.

It's All Right, Cause It's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

You did NOT see that coming, did you?

I'm feeling saucy and snappy so here goes.  Today's random randy roadie is none other than the blonde woman from the Zack Attack episode - the one who steals him away from his wholesome bandmates, only to have her greediness thrown in her face when the gang gets back together and Kelly plays a nun on Santa Barbara.  Also, I miss old soap operas. 

The plotline to Zack Attack is so easy, and the soundtrack (get over it, yes it existed, yes I bought it, and you should try to find "Don't Leave With Your Love" because it is a legit good song) is so excellent, let's focus on blondie.  I am going to say her name is Rhonda, but I know for a fact that is wrong.  I may be in an eighties state of mind because my Spotify is randomly shuffling through ONLY Hall and Oates songs right now (there are other things on there, like Brit and The Lumineers, who you should definitely check out if you have not), but I think it fits.  Let's find some pictures.

And here she is.  That was almost too easy... (say that like Garth Algar in Wayne's World)

Love the jacket.  Seriously, actually I kind of do.  Except I KNOW she has paired it with a white pencil skirt and white shoes, which is just not okay.  I have taste.  I shop at Forever 21, after all.

Okay, who is she and what was her REAL name in that episode? (note: the FOURTH H&O song in a row just came on, and I am on shuffle.  She's Gone, in case you were wondering)

MINDY WALLACE!  I was SO close.  Her real name is Stacie Foster and I will bet you a can of Mountain Dew this was her only role.

Nevermind... she was in everything awesome once.  That's the way to do it.  Also, WHAT is USA High and why didn't I watch this?!  It sounds amazing, like that show that was randomly high school on a boat.  Does anyone else remember that? 

Actress (13 titles)
1998 USA High (TV series)
Excess's Ex (1998) … Judith
1997 Saved by the Bell: The New Class (TV series)
Mission: Control (1997) … Shelly
Into the Woods (1997) … Shelly
1997 Another World (TV series)
Episode #1.8316 (1997) … Kristen
1996 Baywatch Nights (TV series)
Young Woman
Circle of Fear (1996) … Young Woman
1996 Silk Stalkings (TV series)
Barbara Ferry
Runway Strip (1996) … Barbara Ferry
1995 Cyber-Tracker 2 (video)
1995 Steel Frontier (video)
1994 California Dreams (TV series)
Ms Ross
Family Tree (1994) … Ms Ross
1994 CyberTracker
1992 Reasonable Doubts (TV series)
A Rose Is a Rose (1992) … Robin
1992 Star Trek: The Next Generation (TV series)
Relics (1992) … Bartel
1991 Saved by the Bell (TV series)
Mindy Wallace
Rockumentary (1991) … Mindy Wallace
1990 Night of the Living Dead
Doll's Mom Zombie

Okay, be honest...

Except don't, because I already know the answer and I don't want to hear it.

Can I buy a top from Forever 21?  It is NOT anything skanky.  I like flowy blouses, and they make many flowy blouses.  And I would just buy ONE, not, like 6.  Unless I bought 6.


You would NOT know that this is from F21 and not, like ShopBop.

You guys are SO mean.

Oh, right, I am having this fight with myself, but I know it is what you are thinking!!

Summer clothes have officially become boring.  I also bought RED JEANS.  Husband was unimpressed when I tried to explain all of the amazing things I could wear with them, like tops!  He is so dumb.


Um, jeez...

House stuff is expensive!  Also, driving the Corolla all weekend makes me hate it and I want a new car.  But I don't know if that is going to be a priority, now that it has been discovered that Dora the Explorer mermaid dolls, well, exist, and now I have to buy them all for Bink.

Also, she accidentally socked me in the mouth last night and it hurt SO much that I started crying but then had to pretend I was laughing so she wouldn't feel badly.  She's so sensitive!  And has a right cross you wouldn't believe.


Lifetime Movie Friday - Well, at least today - Her Final Fury

So we talk about awesome stuff like wine and babies and outfits, but let's get to the heart of the matter: TV.  Specifically, Lifetime TV.  We all like a good Lifetime movie, but who has the time to cull out all of the REALLY good ones?  Luckily, I am here to save you from wasting your time with non-Reba McIntyre dreck, and will pick out the best Lifetime movie I saw during the week, and since you know they repeat them 5489085 times, you will get to enjoy it as well.  So as to not spoil anything, and because I'm busy, I will only tell you about what happens up until the first commercial break. 

Today, we go with a classic.  Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Final Chapter, starring Meredith Baxter (no Burney).  Why no Burney?  It just doesn't feel right.  I know it's been like 49 years but I don't care.  ANYWAY, I am blogging about this in real time, so you get all the good stuff.

Look up Betty Broderick, because it's a true story and I don't feel like telling you what happened when you can easily Google it and get the real details that I would surely have just made up.  Okay, let's begin.

First, Kelli Williams is in it, and she's like sixteen with a permy-blunt cut.  Heaven.

Meredith is sporting her Family Ties platinum shag-bob, which makes me feel comfortable and safe.  Yet, since she just killed her husband, she is crying on a payphone, which makes me feel sad.  Go bake the random little brother brownies or something!  I need some calm Elise Keaton.  This is not going well.

There is acid wash and Cosby sweaters all over the place.  There is a guy who looks like Jerry Seinfeld, but it isn't him.  And also, he is a really bad actor and that is probably why this is the only movie he's ever been in.  Legit, he is dressed EXACTLY like a Seinfeld episode.

The other sister is a random girl I know I know from somewhere.  She has massive eyebrows and a deep side part.  Okay, a quick IMDB reference tells me she was in Ladybugs, a movie we all loved because of how cute Jonathan Brandis was.  He was SO cute.  Also, in real life, her name is Jandi for some or no reason.

Okay, first commercial break.  You know you love it.



Is LITERALLY my least favorite song.  Top three least favorite songs:

1. Changes
2. Private Dancer
3. Under Pressure

I think 1 and 3 are David Bowie of some sort, right?

Anyway, like, EVERYTHING has changed and it's weirding me out.  I mean, I am VERY grateful because it's all WONDERFUL (and I LOVE CAPS) but it's still weird.  Really, I just want to move and throw things out, like crappy rugs and pack up dishware and all of that stuff, but there are still a few weeks to go.  So basically I'm just cleaning and chasing Bink around the house.  Oh, also?  She's a woman now.  When did that happen??

Also, we need a new car.  Probably some sort of SUV-item, which I am also furious about but apparently a 2000 Corolla with dents all over it doesn't last forever.  Or hold multiple theoretical kids.  FINE. 

And finally, for no reason, "America" by Neil Diamond is running through my head.  And now it's running through yours, too. 

TODAY!!!  Today!!!!  Today!!!

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

(I was on vacation.  More on that later.  Spoiler: nothing happened.  Yay!)

So it's Tuesday, and guess what?  I love THINGS.  So here are some things I love for I'll Make Love to You Tuesday. 

This one is live.  You're welcome.

1. This wine.  So nice and smooth, and I haaaate chardonnay.  White wine season will be over before we know it, so drink up:

2. A doormat.  Since the house stuff is moving along and we'll be moving next month, I am obsessed with all things decor BUT particularly obsessed with a doormat.  Probably because it's my first house?  Anyway, I can't find one that I love and it's driving me to drink (see above).
3. Rizzoli and Isles.  Can I have Maura's wardrobe, please?  Also, can I also have been Dawson's "older" girlfriend slash Pacey's sister?  Well, if I were Pacey's sister, then I couldn't marry him.  Hm.  This is tough.  No, I still want to be her.


4. Okay, STOP singing Shakira and download this song.  It is totally stupid yet awesome.  You know I have a soft spot for lame pop that makes me feel like I'm in college.  Oh, you don't?  Now you do:

5. Filling up tons of shopping carts online for bedding, rugs, curtains, etc., and then chickening out and not buying anything.  Since we're not moving for a month, I don't know if I should wait to buy stuff.  But I want to buy, buy, buy.  Like, what is the big deal to bite the bullet and purchase the West Elm duvet cover and matching sheers?  Oh, it isn't.  But for some reason I'm the Queen of England and nothing is perfect enough for me.  Seriously?  And this clock.  I think I really need it: