What up, Halloweenies

I'm in a really bad mood because of my tooth, but I will try to power through.  You try living on applesauce and Snack Packs for three days!  Anyway...

Today is Halloween.  Last Halloween, I was in labor.  This Halloween, I will be taking Bink trick-or-treating to houses of people I know, because everyone knows that a baby can't eat candy, but her parents can!

Pictures, etc., to come.  Note: Bink is a St. Bernard.  Yup, it's awesome.

Don't Mess With This...

I have a broken tooth.

Yup, a broken tooth, and I am 100% blaming my dentist for this, as I have NEVER had a tooth issue, and then I had a gum infection last month, and he was all up in my business with his saw, cutting out the gross ooze and I KNOW he nicked my tooth.

Bink actually owns this moose. His name is Marty.

Side: remember when Mallory broke up with Nick on Family Ties and she told Alex not to ever say his name again and Alex picked up something off the mantel and said "This knick-knack is nicked?"  I do, too.

So I have to go back to the dentist again today to have it fixed.  Just so you know, broken teeth hurt.  HMPH.

Wine o'clock!

Today is a day I am very excited to go home and hang with Binks and drink some wine.  That is all.

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

My favorite day of the week!  What's it gonna be, boy, yes... or...

MR. TUTTLE!!!

Mr. Tuttle was the delightfully random teacher who taught driver's ed and a host of other classes, including "economics", or whatever one had the Buddy Band episode.  Ah, Buddy Bands.  He was always feuding with the fast-talking teacher, Mr. Testaverde, who I think maybe was in Dunkin Donuts commercials?  Mr. Tuttle was always rhyming or making hilarious plays on words, and one time got stuck in a doorway.

Trust me, they work.

But who was Mr. Tuttle, really?  Is he an actual person or suffer the same fates of Denise Richards a la "The Girl Slater saved in the last beach episode who said she was starting at Bayside in the fall but totally never did"?  Let's take a look...

OMG, he passed away two years ago.  I don't know what happened, but he was 59, and he died in LA. 

I'm sorry this one is a Debbie Downer, but remember "Motivate, motivate, motivate!" during the Buddy Bands episode?  Also, the name Jack Angeles is FABULOUS.  I wonder if that was his actual name.

Also?

Why am I totally obsessed with the fact that Jessica Simpson may or may not be pregnant?  I can't explain it but I need to know.  Like, five minutes ago.  I will admit that I owned some Newlyweds seasons (I don't anymore, I donated them somewhere and they probably immediately threw them out) and we're probably not friends anymore, but I just checked People.com for the second time today to see if it had been announced yet.

Totally owned this.

Okay, back to my hole.  What a weirdo!  I totally understand if you want to break up.  Oh, and also I only sort of half-realized that the baby wasn't Nick Lachey's and I don't know who her boyfriend is now.  Hm.  Maybe I don't care so much.  It would be REALLY cool if Nick and Jessica were having a baby. 

A few odds and ends

1. My mom suggested I add "An Affair to Remember" to my movie list and she is correct, as I think my grandfather was exactly like Cary Grant.

= my Grandpa

2. Two more traffic sources: Dance Til Dawn 1988 and Cute Sloth.  I was really laughing at the latter until I realized that I put up a picture of a cute sloth and it's not THAT funny.  But sort of.
3. I am having an "off" week.  Is anyone else?



Is it because I have peed on you twice in two days?  Say it ain't so!

 4. Bink is full-on teething and hates us.  She also hates sleep.  The only thing she likes is Baby Tylenol.  So therefore the only thing I like is Baby Tylenol.  And I also feel like she is going to wake up one day with a full set of teeth like in that commercial for some random pet food.  And also, all teething "helpers" are a total sham.  Nothing works but Baby Tylenol.  We know it.

Gimme my Tylenol, woman.  And that shiny thing.

5. Hart of Dixie.  Everyone watch it.  It is sooo cheesy and wonderful and just keeps getting better. 

So I've got to get back to working my tail off, but some things to ponder.  Mostly watch Hart of Dixie.  Capisce?  Is that how you spell it?  I'm not Greek like Jesse Katsopolis but still use mobster-esque language anyway...

Bink's Movie Guide

So when Bink is old enough to appreciate all of the cool things I have done for her (gave her life, let her try Dunkin Donuts Munchkins, etc.), I will add yet another doozie to the list.  Yup, doozie.  It's THAT good.  I am going to present her with, no, not a love letter telling her how I loved her before I met her (though I totally DID do that but I will wait for a slightly less important time to present that to her, like, say, her wedding or when she gives birth), but a shoebox full of movies that will change her life. 

Change.  Her.  Life.

I call it "Bink's Movie Guide", and I hope to call it that in front of her friends.  It's a big deal, so I have to get this right.  What's on your list?  This is mine.  I can't put them in order, that would be like listing your favorite children on brands of box macaroni and cheese.  It's too hard. 

1. The Sound of Music.  Obviously.  When I was eight my whole life revolved around Kurt (he's eleven and he's incorrigible) and my marrying him.  I went all out and designed invitations, not realizing that Kurt was about 25 years older than me and actually not really Kurt von Trapp.  I can still sing all the songs and I know most of the lines.  Here's why I only know MOST of the lines, and not all of them: my copy of tSoM (that has to be what it's called) was a taped version off of ABC in 1986.  I still own it, der, but they cut out a TON of stuff to allow it to fit into the three-hour time block.  So I missed a lot - mainly the fact that Christopher Plummer isn't only mean until the very end, there are many sexy and funny things he says and does throughout the real movie, but I missed them until, like two years ago when my mom gave me the DVD and I was horrified.  Also, Christopher Plummer is TOTALLY sexy.  Okay, so tSoM, but I can't decide whether or not I want to show her my VHS 1986 version, complete with a Fritos commercial starring The Pointer Sisters, or the lame-o DVD version without any commercials at all.

Kurt, Present Day. I'd probably still bone him.

Christopher Plummer, present day. I'd definitely still bone him. Also, when will we be good enough friends to discuss Somewhere in Time at length? I'm waiting...

2. Savannah Smiles.  Everyone needs to see this movie, period.  I know SOME cool people have, but it really needs to stage a comeback.  Or a first-time, since nobody saw it.
3. Labyrinth.  It will teach her that creepy things are not always scary (Hoggle), and some things ARE (those horrendous orange people that sing the calypso song and David Bowie's "bulge"), but if you put in pop songs and an unattractive baby (I'm looking at YOU, Toby), everything will turn out fine in the end.  It's a great life lesson.

Remember how cute this little worm was? And he said "I'm just a worm" but he really knew EVERYTHING.

4. Disney's Robin Hood.  Because Robin Hood is hands-down the sexiest cartoon ever.  That voice!  OMG, I am dying right now.

Hubba, hubba...

5. Annie.  So she can learn all of the words to the songs, audition for the Broadway revival, and become famous and support me.  Fifty percent of the time, it works every time.
6. Camp Cucamonga.  Another must-see.  It stars the following: DJ Tanner, Winnie Cooper, Urkel, Paul from the Wonder Years, the guy from Clueless that Tai ends up with, Chad Allen, Jennifer Aniston, the guy who produces One Tree Hill but was first on Head of the Class, G. Gordon Liddy and John Ratzenberger.  And there is a rap.  It.  Is.  So.  Good.

Seriously, how can you not?

7. Dirty Dancing.  Don't worry, she won't figure out what the "folding table and a knife" thing means until she is 18, either.  Wait, was that just me?
8. Thumbelina.  I LOVED THIS MOVIE.  I was totally too old to watch it but did not care because I loved it SO much.  Okay, I know, I'm a creep and we're not friends anymore.  But I swear it's good!

So this is the beginning of my list.  Give me more!

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

OMG who else is totally SWAMPED at work this week?  How do people do this all the time?!  My poor brain can't handle it.  So anyway, it's Thursday again and that of course means that we talk about random Saved by the Bell characters that flitted in and out of our lives as quickly as Jessie Spano during the Miss Bayside pageant when she is a caterpillar in a cocoon and then she emerges into a butterfly (say this in that dumb voice Jessie used when she wanted to be fancy, you know what I'm talking about).  Okay, who is it this week?  Obviously, it's Craig Strand.

Who on earth is Craig Strand, do you say?  Well, he's only Stacy Carosi's dreamy, actually preppy boyfriend from Yaaaallle... swoooooon.  He was like 587490 feet tall, and a terrible actor, and he comes to the beach club to give Stacy his pin WITHOUT EVEN WARNING HER even though she's been doin it and doin it and doin it well with Zack for weeks.  He says some dumb poem that Leon Carosi gets stars in his eyes over and there are some really tense moments when you don't know what's going to happen.  Or something.  Stacy ultimately dumps his ass and sends him back to New Haven and she is free to bone Zack's white jeans/khakis in peace. 

Like, I can't even...

What do the Internets say?  I'm sure the EXACT same thing.

Actually, it sort of does:
Craig Strand was Stacy Carosi’s preppy boyfriend from back east in Boston, a sophomore at Yale, who showed up at the beach club and interrupted Zack and Stacy’s fling, even giving Stacy his fraternity pin. Craig defeated Zack in an ATV race after bumping Zack's ATV on the last turn. Ultimately, Stacy sent Craig back home and confided her love for Zack.

But who is he?  Oh, he's searchable, friends (if you Google Craig Strand they REALLY want you to look for the Craigslist killer, don't be fooled!) and his name is Benjamin King.  It looks like he's been in one episode of every show that has ever been on television.  Seriously.  Look.  There isn't any cool trivia about him, like being The Beek's ex-sister-in-law, but at least he was on Party of Five.

Ha!

Gym Avoidance and Gisele Stalking

That's what I did at lunch today.  I forgot my gym ID, which is basically akin to forgetting your gym shoes in eighth grade - you have to sit out in your Doc Marten's while everyone else does the President's Physical Fitness Challenge (aka the worst time of my life) so I did what any normal citizen would do - shop.  So I was walking around and looking at things that I can't afford when I get a text from a girlfriend whose husband works nearby.  HE saw Gisele at our Starbucks!  I ran over (picture Chariots of Fire with less cleavage) but alas, she was already gone.  I am so jealous, he sees EVERYONE famous and I never do.  I've got to plan my strategy better.


So drunk, so Jeff Goldblum-y... this is circa 2001 so don't get any funny ideas.

So that's that.  No gym and no Gisele.  But I was thinking as I goofily ran over, totally winded, that I would probably start being active and sporty like Gisele and I'd look like her in a few weeks.  I know.  I'm deluded.

Foods with Color

Okay, what foods with color do you eat?  White and brown foods don't count.  I've got those covered: cheese, bread, Diet Coke (which I have been FIENDING for lately, and I don't even really like it that much, I just require it, which is so bad but what can you do?!), cold cuts and pasta.  Okay, what else is there?  I know you have ideas.  What do you feed yourself and your kid?  Or my kid, actually.  What would you feed my kid?

Also, how do you stop being addicted to Diet Coke?  I tried to trick myself by having wine instead, but no dice.  I mean, it was good, but I still wanted the DC.  I know it makes you fat and mean and gives you a beard (Is that one wrong?) but literally, right now I am itchy for it.  Not itchy in the same way as I was when I saw Chris Elliot, but still, pretty intense. 

This is basically what I look like right now, with a curlier mustache. Stupid Diet Coke!

Also, do NOT Google "addicted to diet coke".  Really, really weird stuff comes up. 

Obviously I don't generally do this...

But I thought I would share because I LOVE these and thought you might be interested.  If you paint your nails.  If not, think about this instead:

Dude. Can I have this ASAP?

So there is apparently this nail salon in Seattle called Julep Nail Parlor.  They make their own polishes, and they rock my world.  I paint my nails because it helps me feel like a girl even when I have baby poop in my ears and a unibrow.  Needless to say, however, I am hard on polish because I am always picking things open, washing things, you know what I mean.  Anyway, most of the brands I use have pretty colors but chip in 2 seconds (I'm looking at you Butter and Essie), but this stuff is insane.  It's awesome and completely indestructible.  And they do this thing where for $20 a month they send you a box of girly stuff - it makes me feel super fancy and fabulous.  AND they always have discounts running, so you can get your first box for like $5 and then cancel if you don't want anymore.  Basically, I'm obsessed.

So check it out, if you want to be pretty like me.  OR just not have a unibrow...

Seriously, it's awesome...

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday! Part Deux

Good morning!

The next couple of weeks will be hairy at work, but then I will once again be free!  I really do love my job, which is awesome, but it does NOT consist entirely of Googling funny pictures and eating McDonalds, which are my real passions, so I am slightly disappointed to have to spend so much time away from that.  Instead, let's focus on the positive.  Like SBTB tertiary characters.  Name one thing more important.  One.  You can't, can you?  Thought so...

Okay, get excited.  Today's character is...

Laura the homeless girl!

Note: I am not in any way shape or form making fun of homeless people, that is ridiculous to even think.  I am purely making fun of how cheeseball and terrible this show is.  Okay?  Okay.  Let's move on.

Okay, so it's Christmas time.  The gang gets jobs to help pay for Christmas gifts and sharp blazers (I'm looking at you, Morris) at the mall, and Kelly gets a position (ha) at Moody's Store for Men.  She meets Laura, who is a tall drink of water from the wrong side of the wood-paneled station wagon that Zack immediately becomes smitten with.  However, the fairy-tale romance is shattered when Laura eats an apple for lunch and, as most people would immediately deduce henceforth, he figures out she is homeless.  Then her dad gets in the mix, I actually sort of forget his role outside of the fact that he passes out from not eating and there is some random scene that takes place in the men's bathroom at said mall, and then Zack brings Laura, her dad, and the whole gang, who apparently don't love their own families enough to want to spend the holidays with them (well, Kelly's family is so big she probably gets forgotten all the time, Jessie's dad is off doing it with Leslie the aerobics-instructor-second-wife, AC's dad is probably "on base" in Germany, Lisa's mom is probably working at the hospital and Screech's parents are probably at Graceland AGAIN), go to Zack's mom's house (Derek is totally making deals on his giant cellphone in some other room in the house) and as a gift, Laura and the dad sing a song.  I'm pretty sure they allude to the fact that Laura and her dad will move into the Morris home forever and then never bring them up again, and there is some Christmas play, and Mr. Moody accuses Laura of being a thief, but those parts are dumb.  Okay, what do the Internets tell us?

Why does it look like Zack is wearing a jean skirt?

According to Wikipedia, which only has real facts:
Frank and Laura Benton were a homeless father and daughter, respectively, who caught the eye of Zack and the gang around Christmas time. Laura, who worked in a department store with Kelly, seemed to be a tentative love interest for Zack during the two-part episode; she was very shy around Zack about her poverty stricken life. Zack, Slater and Screech got Frank to a hospital when he passed out at the mall from hunger, and then found out he was Laura's father. Laura's boss accused her of stealing a suit jacket that Kelly set aside to buy so Frank would have an outfit he could wear to job interviews. Later the boss apologized. Eventually the Morris family took the Bentons in until they could “get back on their feet”. They were never seen again following the end of the episode.
Their story arc marked one of the few explicitly two-part episodes of Saved by the Bell. ("The Wicked Stepbrother" and "Palm Springs Weekend" being the other two. "The Last Dance", "The Aftermath" and "Fake I.D.'s", while not listed in official "parts" and not shown side by side, were essentially the same story arc and can be loosely treated as the show's fourth multiple-episode.)

Um, okay, first of all, who knew they had a last nam?  LAME.  Also, "poverty-stricken."  And these episodes are called "A Home for Christmas".  And why is there no mention of that bathroom incident?  There TOTALLY is one.  Anyway, who is this Laura Benton in real life?  Spoiler alert: this is an awesome one.

Jennifer McComb, EX-SISTER IN LAW OF JAMES VAN DER BEEK.  Who cares about anything else, really.  This is the best one yet!  Her sister was obviously married to the Beek, and her sister starred in "No One Would Tell", which starred DJ Tanner.  It all comes full-circle friends... life is good.

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

So I could not be busier at work.  Literally, this is the craziest time of year.  As such, I am totally going craaaazy and needed a moment to vent.  Sigh.  Okay.  Also, someone searched "Saved by the Bell pep talks" to get to me.  I will stop doing this now, but I find these totally hilarious and it's my civic duty to share them with you, right?  Right.

OMG WHERE IS MY WINE?

Oh, right, at home.  Because I am at my office.  I digress.

CRAP.  More stuff to do.  I'll be back later.  Probably drunk yournaling.  It's like yogging, it's going to be huge. 

Whoever gets that reference gets ten points and the chance to babysit this for free:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOGMGOMG Geekburger with Cheese

Okay.

Okay.

So you know how on blogger you can see how people came across your site?  And how you check it all the time to see if anyone else is interested in the same things you are?  Like "Saved by the Bell Thursday"?  You know?  Well, prior to five minutes ago, all of the traffic has been "Bink's Mom" or something boring like that.  Until.

Until.

"DJ Tanner outfits"

Now THAT is a DJ Tanner outfit.

Someone searched "DJ Tanner outfits" and found me.  First of all, someone searched that, which is awesome unto itself, but then came here.

Whoever you are, dear friend, please reveal yourself.  We can be secret girlfriends like Stephanie and Duckface!

"You can be my 'everyone-knows-about-you' friend. Just stop making that stupid face."

Weird Al

He is the NICEST, COOLEST, best guy ever.  I was officially too scared to talk to Chris Elliot, but he was very nice to the people around him while I hid in the corner and was itchy.  Does anyone else get itchy when they are nervous?  Just me?  Cool... well... see ya!

(Note: when I studied in London in college, there was a lot of Charmed on TV.  Remember Charmed?  Anyway, there is this one episode where I swear this dialogue takes place:

Alyssa Milano and some random are standing outside by a truck, talking.  Shannen Doherty pops her mismatched eyes as if from nowhere....

SD: Hey, I'm going to get some gum, you guys want anything?
AM: No.
SD: Cool, well... see ya!

It had nothing to do with anything and it was awesome and I say it all the time.  Go on with the chlorophyll.)

So for reals, yo, Weird Al.  He's legit.  He's awesome.  And tall!  Who knew? 

And I'm sick.

Stay away.  I'm on a mission to expel the fluish/coldish/ebolaish virus from my person by 4 AM on Friday.  Any suggestions?  I've got Emergen-C, Theraflu, Ricola, and those fancy Puffs with Vicks (so as to remain picture perfect - vom).  I HAVE to be better by Friday, there is no other option.  Also, I have to work today and tomorrow and am really busy.

Okay, go.  I will leave you with this, so you take pity on me.  If I were a kitten, this is EXACTLY what I would look like right now.

I just want to feel better... can't you help me? (say this in adorable sad kitten voice)

BLARGH

I had BETTER not be getting sick.

Here's the reason.

Well aside from the fact that nobody except Phoebe Buffay (that can't be spelled right) wants to have any sort of ear/nose/throat ailment (PLEASE tell me you get this reference), I have a big weekend coming up.

I will be visiting the "other coast" to celebrate a certain fabulous bestie's fabulous descent into wedded bliss at the most fabulous bachelorette weekend ever.  Seriously, it's going to be amazing.  Not to give too many details, but Weird Al Yankovic and I are probably going to fall in love and get married.  And more importantly, Chris Elliott and I are going to finally reconcile if there actually IS anything funnier than a fat-ass, floating cupcake, even one that spits tobacco.  Need I explain?

I bet right about now you're wondering... why you are reading this post.

So growing up, among my favorite movies was, of course, Cabin Boy.  And one of my favorite movies currently is, of course, Cabin Boy.  My other bestie (WHAT, I am not ashamed to talk about my friends this way, like we are in third grade, so eat it, Urkel) will be picking me up and through a series of very random circumstances, it is likely I will be in close proximity to the one and only Nathaniel Mayweather.  Through another set of very random circumstances, I have an autographed copy of Cabin Boy (signed by Chris Elliott, although Andy Richter would have been equally awesome).  Now the question is: do I bring this DVD with me on my trip to get him to re-autograph it?

No, that would be silly!!

But don't think I didn't think of it for a minute.

Say what?? So it's NOT cool to act like a jerk in front of a random man you don't know, famous or otherwise? Blaspheme!

Anywho, if I get sick, and miss my opportunity to fully appreciate these two icons of manliness and have my picture taken with them multiple times without crazy red nose or other snot-related issue, there will be hell to pay.

Don't think you are alternative and cool by saying this is a good show. It isn't. Except for the theme song, which is the best REM song ever of all the REM bubblegummy pop songs. There are a lot of those, right?

Like, I'll make you watch "Get A Life".  WARNING.  Do NOT go on Netflix or whatever and think it will be so cool and fun to revisit this sitcom, because you will be disappointed.  I did it, and I cried afterward.  It sucks.  So don't pretend it's cool and that you love it, because I'll know you haven't actually watched it since you were eight, when let's be honest, you thought Skidz were cool.  You have been warned.

Late to the party... again.

Often, I discover things WAY after they stop being cool.  One example: Justin Beiber.  I didn't REALIZE that "Baby" was the most awesome song ever until, like, August of this year.  It was worth the wait, as it is an awesome song, you should listen to it, this kid has what it takes, I think.  Oh, and have you heard of Pinterest?  I invented that, too.  I never watch the good shows until they are in syndication and then I pretend I invented them and, well, what I am about to share is no exception.

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo.

Probably, like, ALL of you have read it, but I am reading it now and it is changing my life.  It has made me see that my true passion is blogging about current events, like my new favorite jeans (Levi's 505s are perfect for moms who have not lost their fatback yet), and despite the fact that my mom is my only follower, I like doing it, it makes me nicer to Husband, Bink and my friends and family, and basically is a nice way to unload about what's bugging me, why Saved by the Bell is awesome, and why it's unfair that I can't drink wine at work.  It helps me reach my dream.  Which is, of course, playing with Bink and wearing yoga pants all day, writing, and pounding grape while watching One Tree Hill reruns. 

Legit, Busy Phillips has been in all of the best shows ever made: Freaks and Geeks, Dawson and Cougartown. Why aren't we best friends?

Also, when is Cougartown coming back? 

Anyway, so eventually, I know I will be able to live out this dream.  After all, the universe is conspiring it to happen.  Read the book.

Hungry

Um, why didn't anyone tell me that only eating healthy food would cause starvation?  Because it DOES.  I talked about my Incentive Pants a while ago and wow, they still don't fit!  Ergo, it is time to take matters into my chubby, dimpled hands and start thinking like an Olsen twin.  Well, not REALLY, but, you know, really.  So I decided to forgo the yuck food yesterday and only eat healthy food (EXCEPT for the cookies last night, but honestly, it's not like a have to wear a bathing suit in front of my friends at Kathy Santoni's pool party, so I'm not going to that extreme) and I don't care what you say, I have diminished to waiflike proportions and cannot concentrate on anything but chili cheese fries from either Jack in the Box OR Texas Roadhouse.  I'm not picky.

Couple this with the fact that poor Bink has like 5849 little pointy toothlets poking out of her gums and is therefore not sleeping, I am a MESS.  I don't even know what pants I'm wearing today.  Am I wearing pants?  The world may never know...

Here is a picture that is awesome and funny.

Holla.

Night, night... wait, it's 10:30 in the morning?  CRAP.