Something Super Awesome is Happening...

I can't say just what it is yet, but it involves meeting Weird Al Yankovic.  Wait.  Crap.  That's what it is.  Stay tuned.

In a week, this could be me. (This is not actually me).

The Corner

Well, it actually probably happened a couple of weeks ago, but finally... FINALLY... Bink sleeps.  Like, really sleeps.  And loves it.  For months, this kid refused to relax.  Scratch that, she'd be RELAXED, but Husband and I would have to be with her or else she'd scream.  I suspect this is partially a bit of her personality and a LOT of Husband and I completely not being able to let her cry and she got used to us being there as she slept.  Or did not sleep.

Now, I'm a crap sleeper, always have been.  But Bink was baaaaaad.  Always up, always yelling, hating naps, the works.  She wasn't tough about it, either.  She'd be a little miserable crank sitting up with her big miserable crank parents and it was just.  Plain.  Terrible.

This comes up when you Google "no big deal".
 But then, something happened.

Maybe it was the trains, maybe it was that she was finally aware enough to realize we drive her crazy and she vants to be alone (yes, I typed that on purpose), but girlfriend looooves her sleeping now.  Through the night?  No PROBLEM.  Naps?  Two of them, suckas.  It's probably just a normal thing that happens (a LOT earlier for most babies), but I don't care.  We're in it now, and I am LOVING it.

So much, that maybe it's time for a Bink Sib?  FINE, not just yet...


Good Day

Can you NOT be in a good mood when you hear this song?  Bink and I put it on repeat and have dance parties.  On this gray, crapfest day it is a nice pick-me-up.  Again, you're welcome.  I know you're dancing in your seat.  I can see you.

No, seriously.  I can.  So put some damn pants on.

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday

Oh, hi.  You again?  Hmm...

Just kidding, it's the most wonderful time of the week.  Saved by the Bell Thursday.  Truth be told, I was totally laughing about this all morning, which was probably strange for my fellow train riders, but whateva.  I'm pumped up on a triple grande skinny caramel macchiatto (how is that spelled?  I'm not checking.) and pumpkin spice coffee from this awesome place in Portsmouth, NH called Breaking New Grounds and everything's coming up...

Okay, so here's what I remember.  Max was the teeny guy who is totally mean to Violet Bickerstaff (Donna Martin Graduates!) and in the episode where Screech's mom goes to visit Graceland and "the guys" sing Barbara Ann in those "wild!" outfits and the girls point and laugh in an odd, synchronized way and then they break the "very expensive" bust of Elvis and have to have a poker game with Max in order to get the money to replace the BUST and then Max wins so they throw a party instead and Max kisses who he thinks is Jessie but is actually Screech's dog whose name I forget, and Max says "Spahhhhhno" instead of Spano and yeah, he is teeny.  I feel like this is a complex plotline but the best parts are when the girls all lean in and laugh hysterically when "the guys" do all of their dancing and when Kelly yells "PARENTS!" when Screech's parents come home from their trip unexpectedly.  You'd think they'd get in trouble, but luckily Zack is on the case and turns it into an awesomely fun anniversary party!  Yay!

Also, I totally thought that made Kelly seem cool and badass when I first watched this in fifth grade.  WHAT.
No words.

Okay, here's what the Internets have to say:
Maxwell Nerdstrom
Nerdstrom (played by Jeffrey Asch) was a rich nerd who made a few appearances during sophomore year and once during senior year. He was Violet Bickerstaff’s boyfriend and treated her rather poorly, although he did buy her a gold-plated pocket protector. His poor treatment of her was one of the factors in her becoming Screech’s girlfriend. While most of the nerds comported themselves with a bumbling dignity at most, Nerdstrom went above and beyond, behaving a pompous, stuck-up geek. He defeated Zach in a game of poker, but perhaps his most noted accomplishment at Bayside was mistakenly kissing Screech’s Maxwell Nerdstrom, "Hound Dog", to everybody’s delight.
He is seen in a future episode buying fake gold rings from Zack Morris, which left a green mark on the wearer's finger.

"Treated her raaaaahther poorly."  What is he, the King of England?  Heaven.  And we also see here that I am totally right about everything, der, and even more exciting, he appears to be a real person with CURRENT PHOTOS AVAILABLE ONLINE BECAUSE HE HAS A CRAAAAAZY MYSPACE PAGE.  No, it has not been updated since 2007, but who cares.  You're welcome, kids...

I am trying to remmeber some Max Nerdstrom quotes, but I can't. So enjoy this picture of him on a couch, enjoying dessert instead.

I remembered one! "What a woman!" (after the dog/Jessie Spaaaaaaahno kisses him)



Single Parenthood

Husband has been away for work all week, and I think he needs to come home.  Here is why:
1. I have not watched the news since he left.
2. I have not taken out the trash since he left, and it is piling up in a jumble that is starting to closely resemble TrashHeap from Fraggle Rock.
Um, do you remember him looking like this? I do NOT.
3. Bink and I have only eaten white foods: pasta, pizza, cheese and white wine.  Fine, she has formula, same diff.
4. We've watched Hart of Dixie seven times.  Could this show be any more awesome?  I am so excited to see the love affair play out between the mean girl from White Chicks and the basketball player Brandon tutored and Donna was besties with from 90210.  Also, obviously he was Wallace's dad on Veronica Mars.  Also, Summer (whatev, she will always be Summer, you know it)'s outfits are INSANE.  I love them so much and am combing the Internets for knockoff versions.
Oh, D'Shawn Hardell, how are you still dreamy after all of those cheesy roles? Also, who isn't dying over her outfit?
So, Husband, it's time to come home.  Bink is starting to lose it...


YES, it makes sense.

So I have been reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer and it's so good.  I read it a while ago, but apparently I don't remember books, only intricate plot lines of early 90s family-friendly comedies (note: I also know every single thing about every single episode of Full House UNTIL DJ grew her bangs out.  Then it just got stupid.)  Anyway, since FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints - the ones who are on Sister Wives) are basically in the Utah area, and Utah is the home of Salt Lake City, it got me thinking that two of my favorite movies take place in Salt Lake City.  What?!  This is a totally normal conclusion.

Seriously, though, what the a-holes did to the mother and baby makes my blood boil.  You need to become obsessed and outraged immediately.  Okay, I'm not going to talk about the book anymore.  Seriously, though, read it.

Back to why you came.  What movies are you talking about, Bink's Mom??  Well, friends, you probably already know them well, but I guess I will tell you.

1. Savannah Smiles
2. A Hobo's Christmas

What are these movies, nay, FILMS, you say?  Well, you probably know Savannah Smiles.  It's about a little girl from a rich family who is tired of being ignored by her very wealthy parents (say it like this: veeeeeeeery weeeeeeeeeeeeeeealthy, Lovey) so she decides to run away from home.  She goes to the playground with her auntie, and decides to hide in the car of two bumbling ex-cons who take her on a wild adventure that includes buying toys, living in a house, and Pat Morita is in it.  Also, the ex-cons eat squirrel and their names are Alvie and Bootsy.  Alvie.  And.  Bootsy.  Men. 

Seriously, the most gorgeous little girl ever.

I know this description makes it sound kind of boring and stupid and, well, level-twoish, but it isn't, it is totally awesome.  Yup, I said totally awesome.  The little girl in it is literally the cutest child ever made.  It's really sad, she died of a drug overdose when she was like 21 or something.  I don't want to end on that sad note, and really, I need to watch it again to get more details because for reals, yo, it is AWESOME.  There are random songs in it written FOR the movie "Savannah Smiles" and "White Knight", to name them all, and if you have a kid, or were a kid, or know a kid, you should watch this movie.  It is AWESOME.

Bootsy and Alvie, bitches!

But the real prize of this post is of course A Hobo's Christmas.  So, like, eight years ago on Thanksgiving morning, I was watching TV (obviously) and I had missed the opening credits.  I was watching my ghetto-tastic TV/VCR combo set, that did not have digital anything and therefore I could not check to see what the movie was actually called.  But there was talk about all of these hobos so I said to myself, "What's the name of this movie, A Hobo's Christmas?" and laughed for 2 hours.

And friends, you guessed it.  It actually was.

Save a horse, hug a hobo.

So Gerald McRaney is a cop in SLC (Salt Lake City for the poseurs) with two kids.  He's a widower from Buffalo or somewhere, where he was a coal miner or something.  He has a girlfriend who is a nurse that he cannot give his whole heart to... for some reason... could it be that he is unable to love due to the loss of his wife?  Nah.  It's because his dad is a hobo and ran out on him when he was 12 to ride the rails!  Also, he definitely calls the girlfriend fat in one scene and there are several "cuts" to different scenes that are actually old news footage.  It is the greatest thing of all time. 

I love you and your sexy red hat, fat nurse...
The story is of course dumb and pointless - Major Dad and the hobo work out their issues, and you meet a hilarious gang of other hoboes along the way - including Cincinatti Harold, Biloxi Slim, and Omaha John Boswell.  Please tell me you are cracking up right now.  Otherwise, I'm taking back my Best Friends necklace. 

So please, watch these movies.  They're probably out on DVD or on some sort of hip and cool "online" whatever.  I don't get that, either.  Why is society making things so difficult for me?  Can't I just have my TV/VCR combo back!?  Come on!!

Excuse me while I French Omaha John Boswell.


The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

So since I've been MIA-ish all week I missed out on telling you about something very important that happened.

Bink has found love.

I know, it surprised me, too, but maybe not as much as it surprised Bink.  She wasn't looking to fall in love, but it found her.  Let me explain.

Recently, we took Bink to a farm.  It's really cute, it has animals (der), you can pick stuff, you can buy stuff.  Including...


I picked one up for Bink, since she was born after Halloween last year (though she was DUE on Halloween but born afterward so she did not get to wear the awesome pumpkin hat I bought for her to wear and yes I am still bitter about it.) and has not yet experienced the wonder that is free candy and booze on all Hallow's Eve.  It was a little pumpkin, for a little Bink, so I let her hold it while we looked at the animals.

As if.

The lights dimmed (yes, I know we were outside), Lady In Red came on, and hearts started flying around Bink's face, cartoon-style.  She had found the man of her dreams, in the form of a small, orange... what is a pumpkin?  A fruit?  A vegetable?  I don't know.  Or care.  Anyway, she was obsessed.  This is a big deal, as usually we cannot get Bink away from animals because she loves them so much.  She's like Joe-Joe the idiot circus boy with his pretty new pet, and I'm saying that as a compliment.  I wish I loved goats that much.

I digress.  So here is Bink pre-pumpkin.  Cool, calm, collected.
Awesome!  Farmtastic!  I heart animals for life!

I hear there are some goats around here, Mom... 

Gimme that.  No, really.  Gimme that.

Contemplative among the goats.

I wish one would talk to me... 

If you don't love me, I don't love you, biatch.  Get over yoself.

There is a new man in my life.

Goat: "But I'm here, Bink!  Come hang with me!  I know I was shy at first, but you're a really nice girl.  Come on, whaddaya say??

You have been replaced.

I love you SOOOO much more than any goat.  Heartbreaker.  You'd never leave me.

So I dropped my boyfriend/pumpkin.  What's goin' on?  Come here often?

I'm torn between two lovers.  And it's time for my nap.  Let's bust this piece.
The saga continues...

What You Need to Do This Weekend and For Life

1. Watch New Girl.  I was seriously hesitant because I already had my program (Up All Night) and I can only really incorporate one to two new shows per season and obviously one slot was taken up by Hart of Dixie premiering this week, but Up All Night was just okay this week and New Girl made me laugh aloud (la'ed) like 54890 times.  AND Veronica's cop boyfriend from Veronica Mars is in it.  And I love Zooey's hair and that her name is Zooey like Franny and Zooey, which I was obsessed with when I was a kid.

OMG you are so cute.
2. Drink.  Preferably this:
I'm the most delicious wine in the world!
3. Tell me what a hashtag is.  I don't get it.  Also, I don't get Twitter.  Please advise.
4. Okay, this crazy toy guitar of Bink's keeps going off for no reason and it is REALLY freaking me out.  She hates it, too.  She doesn't actually let us put it on the floor near her, it has to be on a table or the couch of something.  She gets mad and won't talk to us until we hide it.  Seriously, this weekend, don't buy your kid a toy guitar that is possessed by the devil.  Or worse...
Yes, you did.
Have a great weekend, kiddos!!


It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday

Come ON, you didn't think I would forget, did you?  No.  I would NEVER.  I would walk a hundred miles out of my loss-of-blood-and-pounding-headache induced stupor not to miss any chance to talk about random crap from Saved by the Bell.  It's important.  Okay... drum roll, please... today's tertiary character is...

Kelly's little sister Nickie from the Teen Line episode!!!

I'm sporting a more feminine look, why doesn't Zack love me?
Her name is Nickie, right?  Uh, oh, this could be ugly.  Okay, but here's what I remember.  First of all, she totally WILL be searchable because she starred as Bonnie, the little sister in "She's Out of Control", my favorite movie when I was nine AFTER "Seven Minutes in Heaven".  Look it up.  You won't be sorry.  Anyway, Nickie wins some sort of random softball trophy or something so Kelly takes her to the Max to celebrate (where ALL major celebrations should take place), and Zack acts all proud of her like he's her little sister, too (um, I don't think so - Mrs. Morris is WAY too busy answering her son's ginormous cell phone when he goes to The Attic and going to Peter, Paul and Mary concerts AND saving homeless men to have more than one child, der), and then of course she falls in love with him.  Hijinx ensue, because of course this is the Teen Line episode, wherein Zack, Lisa and Screech try to score some extra cash giving phone advice to randoms like Louise and Moose (aw, yeah, ten points!) and everything gets all mixed up but is then fine in the end and, like so many others we've come to love, Nickie never appears again. 

Okay, here's what the all-knowing Internet says.  Note, I love it more than life itself:

Nicki Kapowski

Nicki Kapowski(played by Laura Mooney) was Kelly’s tomboyish little sister who developed a crush on Zack. She became convinced that Zack felt the same way after he mixed up her phone call with Kelly's (while running the "Teen Line"). Although she was only thirteen and in the seventh grade, she nonetheless showed up at Bayside High to visit Zack, sporting a more feminine look and demanding a kiss. After trying various ploys to turn her off (including dressing up like a geek and trying to gross her out with a pet spider), Zack finally had to tell her the truth—he wasn’t interested in her; he was in love with Kelly. More angry than hurt, she insults Zack for trying to scare her away instead of having the courage to tell a thirteen year old girl how he really felt.

So I got the spelling wrong, according to Lord Wikipedia, but I totalllllllllllllly forgot about how Zack dressed as a nerd to turn her off!  There was an insect rodeo that Screech went to and Nicki was all ABOUT it.  I am laughing so hard right now.  Also, remember how Zack's phone character was "Nitro" the Australian?  Lisa was Southern, and Screech was "The Insect Man, what's bugging you?"

I am so embarrassed for myself right now.  How have I learned nothing else better in my life to take up that brain space?

Anyway, who is this Nickie Kapowski in real life?  What are her hopes and dreams?  She is totally famous, obviously, as her imdb page is actually filled out.  It doesn't look like she has done anything in  like 12 years, but who cares?  I'd be coasting off those Cricket-voice checks while giving the finger to losers like me who go to an actual office everyday and work.  Or... um... write blogs about shows from the early 1990s.

Also, I LOVE that this episode is called 1-900-CRUSHED.  Amazing.


Crawling Bink

Um, yeah.  No big.  So on Friday, Bink TOTALLY crawled.  Yes, crawled.  She was trying to get at the remote I hid at the other end of the room.  She is definitely my kid.


OMG.  So i had some emergency dental work done yesterday and stupidly came in to work today, even though I am in a ton of pain and for some reason, totally incoherent.  Like, extra stupid.  I can't make a sentence, a decision, anything.  And people are asking me things!  Like, look at my crazy face, everyone - ask someone else for now! 

I'm totally the kid on the left.  You know what I mean.

Oh, my God I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy, but social studies, going to work? This is gonna be tough!
Relax, dude.


Happy Weekend!

The air is crisp, the Bink is napping, the wine is chilling... I have a feeling that this is going to be a GOOD weekend.  We have big plans - celebrating my brother's wedding anniversary bar crawl (yes, that is what I said.  We are not celebrating the anniversary of his wedding to my sister-in-law, we are celebrating the anniversary of the bar crawl that took place a few days before the wedding.  I will say that my sober, 9-month-pregnant self vomited nearly as much as the drunkies stumbling from bar to bar, but I held my own.) and then heading up to Husband's fancy lake house.  Yes, there will be sweatshirt-and-winter-hat wearing.  It's fall, isn't it?

Have an awesome weekend!!

I Heart Christina Applegate

Basically, Christina Applegate is awesome.  Right?  I feel like she is SO nice in real life (what, I think she is, therefore, she IS) and funny and seems really normal.  Lately, however, I have been on a huge Christina A kick (that's what we call each other.  Yes.  Each of us.  Christina A.  Shut up.) because I started watching Samantha Who? on the TV Guide channel (do they make real TV Guides anymore?  They can't.  I mean, nobody would actually buy that, right?) and Up All Night.  Add this to the fact that she starred in the singlemost amazing, timely and beautifully-done TV movies of 1988 about proms (Dance 'til Dawn, anyone?  Yeah, I went there.  Still have it on tape, from when I taped it in middle school on a Saturday afternoon.  Sigh.  Memories...), this woman can really do no wrong.

You really should see Dance 'til Dawn. Off the top of my head, I remember it stars Christina A, Matthew Perry, Chris Young, Carol from Growing Pains, Vanessa from the Cosby Show, ALAN THICKE, and a billion other cool people.
You HAVE to watch Up All Night.  You will pee on yourself.  AND it stars Gob.  What's not to like?

Also, Samantha Who? is AWESOME.  I love it.  It's going to be a sad day when they run out of new ones to watch.  Yes, I feel sad when I run out of shows.  Leave me alone, or I'll have my kid yell at you like she's a crazy grandma or thug.  What does that even mean?!

The Train Stays, Dammit

So we have discussed the train CD before, correct?  Yes, it is pretty much the bane of my existence and I rush to shut it off as soon as Bink is on the way to her bed (Husband is the champ of sleep, she HATES the nighttime routine when I do it, even though I do it exactly the same way.  HMPH.) so I was thinking, you know, we have no less than 4860889 other lullaby CDs, maybe a new one would be a better fit.

Well, it's not.  And don't try to tell girlfriend different. 

What IS this crap?!  Give me my trains, woman!!
 She actually started YELLING when I turned the other music on.  Yelling like she was some sort of old grandmother or thug until I shut it off and put on the trains.  Then it was like the sun broke over a gray day, her eyelids fluttered, she pushed me out of the way for her dad to take her, and bliss was restored.

Well until she woke up screaming three different times at various points in the late-late night.  Sigh.  I love night terrors AND teething.


It's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

Obviously, I wrote this yesterday, pre-meltdown.  I do feel better now, but I'm NOT feeling funny.  HMPH.

Did you ever think you'd make it this long!?  Did you sit and go over your list of favorite tertiary SBTB characters in your head, over and over again, not sleeping, not eating, not going to the library to pick up homeless dudes??  Did you think Thursday would EVER come?!

That's what she said.

Anyway, the wait is over.  This week's character is...

Kevin the Robot!

Okay, so Kevin was Screech's robot that I think he put together himself, because he was a total geekburger with cheese (cross-reference, I know) and for some reason, I think he liked snack foods.  Like popcorn or something.  He was an integral player in the whole "Kelly and Screech" fiasco, where even Gorby got involved with his incredulosity.  Yes, that is a word.  Kevin was always there to give Screech sage advice and be horny (I know he made some sort of sexy comment about Kelly when she was spending so much time studying there for her physics test) and I think he also spoke many languages.

As you can see, I sort of don't remember that much about Kevin.  Let's see what the Internet says!!

Party on, sweet Kevin... where ever you are...
Kevin the Robot was a creation of Screech’s with artificial intelligence. He lived in Screech’s room and was usually dishing out advice and witty remarks.  His appearances included him as Screech's assistant when Screech was doing a magic show; and as Assistant hall monitor when Screech was nominated for the post by his fellow classmates, to make up for forgetting Screech's birthday.  The robot only appeared during Season 1 and 2.  Kevin was operated and voiced by Mike Lavelle.

So another case of the disappearing tertiary character.  If I've seen it once, I've seen it seven times.  To be honest, I'm hazy on the examples listed on Wikipedia, and angry there is no mention of sexytime with Kelly, Screech, and Kevbomber.  Sort of like nerdbomber, but with less cheese.  Again, another reference I hope you get otherwise you're out of Zack Attack forever.  I digress.  Who is this Mike Lavelle character?

And once again, if you are trying to find anything out about him, you are SOL.  Much like Melvin Nerdley, we have zero information on him.  Do you think there is some sort of SBTB mafia, wherein if you play a tertiary character that disappears inexplicably, you too will disappear inexplicably?!  OMG this makes so much sense....

How Does She Do It? Poorly.

Do any other working moms out there have a once-monthly-or-so complete nervous breakdown?  Like, when everything is completely overwhelming and you are convinced you are a bad mom, wife, friend, employee, everything?  It had BETTER not just be me (shaking fist).  Anyway, today is DEFINITELY one of those days.  I am haggard. 

No, no. Not sexy, dreamy, YOUNG Haggard.
This one.
Outfit: ugly.  Hair: terrible.  Makeup: Yeah, right.  Attitude: Crappy.  Number of times I've cried today already: 7.  Number of loads of laundry to be done: 5.  Food in the fridge: none.  Bink's mood: BAD.  My fatness: off the charts. 

Should I go on?  Probably not.  Good news is, I'm at work now.  Oh, wait... things will get better, they always do.  But really?  How do we do it??


Just so you know...

The Gini's order is EPIC.

Gini Astley, doing what he does best.
I cannot WAIT to go home.


Okay, so I came in this morning feeling like a total sad sack.  You know how when you get drunk, pass out, and then wake up and feel sort of sober, but still sort of drunk and you find yourself eating Cheez-Its, even though you hate Cheez-Its, but you can't help it?  That's how I felt.  I've been up for hours because Bink woke up with teething issues and went back right away, but I could not and now my life is in a shambles.  SHAMBLES.  Fine, I'm just really tired.  At least, I was.


Until my husband (who NEVER got back to me yesterday regarding the Gini's issue, though he pretended he did and that the email got lost - um, yeah, that doesn't happen in real life, only on cool sitcoms like "What I Like About You", which I never really watched but wanted to like because Jennie Garth is the balls.  How does she get her hair so perfect and shiny?  And obviously who doesn't love Amanda Bynes.  "What A Girl Wants" is heaven in a TV set.) did something that changed my life forever.  Or at least for the rest of the morning.

He gave me the ultimate pep talk.

The ultimate pep talk was actually given by my best friend during our senior year of college when we were on spring break.  What happened was that my boyfriend had called (this was before I had a cell phone, so he called on her phone) to say that he loved me.  I was embarrassed to say "I love you, too" in front of my goony friends, so I was like "Cool, well, see ya!" and then, because we were wasted, as soon as we hung up I obviously started crying and dramatically wishing I had only said "I love you" back.  Like, honestly?  Get a life!  We tried to get him on his phone, but we couldn't and so I was being the biggest baby ever and then... AND THEN... it happened.

My best friend looked me square in the face and with her infinite wisdown said:

"You have two choices." (Battle Hymn of the Republic swells in the background.) "You can either sit here and cry and waste your whole night being sad, or you can get off your butt, keep drinking and have the best night EVER!"

You have two choices, Jamie. You can either be Lucas on One Tree Hill or Charlie on Dawson's Creek. Either way, you get to marry Brooke Davis in real life. So, score.
So I did, and it was.  Drank more and had an awesome time, that is.  So this speech of course changed my life, and even though she said this ten years ago, I say it ALL the time to inspire people to keep drinking.  What?!  Usually that's what people need to be inspired to do!  But the best part is, my best friend does not remember this at ALL.  Like, it changed my whole life and she's like "I don't remember it, and it sounds dumb."  I promise you.  It ISN'T. 

So anyway, my husband gave me the two choices speech and now I'm obviously ready to take on the world.  Well, this time it was more "You can either go through your day like a gimp or get excited for Gini's."  And since I am lame, it worked.  I feel much better now.


BEST DAY EVER. Well, tomorrow.

You heard it here second-third-or-fourthhand, kids.

Papa Gino's is doing 50% off all online orders tomorrow.
Okay, so here's what happened.  I saw this announcement on Facebook and immediately emailed my husband:


Yes, I call it Gini's.  Because I love it that much.

No response from my husband.  What is he, working?  Fail.  Note: I am full on SHAKING with excitement.

Minutes tick by...

I email him at work, on gmail, everything, and still, no response.  Who could possibly ignore such good news? 

I get bored and being Google imagine "i love papa gino's".  This one is my favorite, because he loves Gini's AND looks like Rick Astley.

He's never gonna give you or Gini's up.

Still, nothing.  I am beginning to rethink this whole "marriage" thing.

I then Google "Husband's name is lame".  This is my favorite:
Less lame than not loving Papa Gino's. Also, this links to an odd magic and anime site. But I bet they love Gini's so who cares?
Now it is time for me to go home and raise our child.  I will never know what my husband truly thinks about this amazing news.  Until he gets home later. 

Oh, we will be having Papa Gino's tomorrow.  I love it.  At my first job, we went there so often that my friend and I were given loyalty cards wherein we got 10% every purchase.  I lost it and not a day goes by that I don't think about it.  Actually, I probably haven't thought of that in years.  Sigh... the good old days.

So yeah, Gini's is half off tomorrow.

Three Years, Sucka!

Three years ago today, husband and I were married.  My dress was awesome.

So were my shoes.

We had the best time ever. 

We were so, so drunk.

Happy anniversary!

Night Terrors

Poor Bink.  I will say that I feel badly for complaining and assuming my kid was just a crap sleeper and wanted to be with us at eleven o'clock each night, because it's not true.  She has night terrors!  They are totally scary and awful and I feel so badly for her, but apparently, she has no idea it's happening so that's good.  Just husband and I are terrified and freaked out. 

Night terrors!
 I guess the only cure for night terrors, besides more cowbell, is to get more sleep.  Or to wake the kid up about an hour after she falls asleep to disrupt the cycle.  I feel like since Bink is not the easiest to put down, that may not be a good option.  So early to bed tonight!


Glamour Magazine Knows Everything

Instead of butter, spread mayo on your bread when making a grilled cheese.  You will NOT be sorry. Unless you do this, then go settle down your screaming kid, and burn said grilled cheese on one side.  Then you will be sorry.  But then you will get the great idea to discard the burned bread and just eat half a sandwich.  Then you will be happy.  You're welcome.

For some reason, Glamour doesn't feature this online.  Which is weird, why wouldn't you want to project an image of disgusting sloth?  Not cute sloth, like this:
Cute sloth.

Regaining Glory

Okay, remember how I said I used to be a hack?  Well, it's all coming back to haunt me, in the form of me making a mountain out of a molehill.  Here's the thing.

So back in the day, I would fool people into being friends with me by offering perks like invitations to parties and free t-shirts because I wrote for a paper that guys think are cool.  I have since become a mom and stopped writing for said paper (though I think my articles from five years ago still run) and nobody wants to be my friend.  It is something I barely accept, and am not at all okay with, but my hands are tied. 

Who remembers this show? It was AWESOME.
 This was all fine and dandy until my husband came home recently and informed me that his new coworker is a big fan of my dear friend, stud, and sports guru, Jerry Thornton.  This friend is not, however, a fan of me.  And no, I don't care that I don't write about sports, or write about anything, or have a radio show or cool blog that people actually read, I want him to like me better.

So what does one do in this situation?  I have no ideas and I don't understand Twitter and even worse, I'm really, really lazy.  How do I win this war??

Something Else I Don't Like

My house at 5:01 PM.
Lately I have been seeing a trend.  Okay, this trend is wholly composed of one article but I don't like it.  Maybe I don't like it because it's sort of true, but I don't care.  It was about moms who drink and how bad it is.  Listen, wine is delicious.  It's like dessert, but with an extra perk.  People who make me feel bad about enjoying it at the end of a hard day are just mean.  We are a world of Lisa Turtles, being kept down by Tori... did Tori have a last name?  And which one was she?  There are three of them, something you'd know if you ever saw Parent Trap 3.  Just saying... slackers...


First Fall Weekend

Could the first weekend of fall BE more gorgeous?  We have awesome plans that involve walking and hotdogs and pumpkin beer.  Oh, yeah, I like pumpkin beer and pumpkin spice lattes, but that is it.  I think.  I hate pumpkin pie, basically.  Like, HATE it.  So I hope you have a wonderful weekend.  I'm going to kiss everyone I love, twice.

I will leave you with this awesomeness...
He's not wrong.
Fine Ham Abounds


Also, I figured out who I am.

I am Arty "The Beekeeper" Solomon from Wet Hot American Summer.  The kid who broadcasts live from the radio booth all through camp but it turns out the equipment isn't plugged in.  You get it, right?

Except I shower.  Always.

OMG, WHAT?!  I found this actual fact on the internet:

Bonus:#11 The actor that played Arty Solomon aka “The Beekeeper”, had his voice dubbed over by Samm Levine. All the Freaks and Geeks nerds know him for his role as Neal Schweiber.

Now I love it even more.

Are You Ready for Some Football?!

Happy Opening Day!

Okay, fine.  I hate watching football.  I like the drinking part, and the eating dips and wings part, but the game, no thanks.  However, I have found a new love.  A love that fills my soul, makes me whole and gives me meaning in life.

No, not my kid.  Come on.

Sports talk radio.

Sigh... I listen to it every morning on my iPod and whenever I'm in the car, because it is the only channel that my gray 2000 Corolla (with RIMS.  Yes, it has RIMS) gets.  Sidenote: Bink's carseat in said Corolla is tricked OUT.  It is worth approximately 15 times more than the car itself.  Is that wrong?  Anyway, sports talk radio is the best thing in the whole world and I don't know how I've been missing out on it all of these years.  I know that it doesn't make sense.  I hate watching sports.  Give me a Full House marathon any day.  Or better yet, and I Love the 80s marathon.  Why don't they put those on anymore?  And Best Week Ever?  Who didn't love Best Week Ever?  Again, I digress.

The hotness.
 I think it's because the guys in sports talk radio have dreamboat voices but aren't actually so cute that I couldn't make out with them in a bar easily (with one GLARING exception, a dear friend who does sports talk radio that is so hot and out of my league there is no way I'd ever hope to make out with him).  Theoretically, as I am married and making out is off limits.  You know what I mean.

And they are usually funny.  Well, the ones I listen to, anyway.  I don't listen to those dumb ones who only talk about "facts" and don't throw in interesting stuff like Caddyshack.  Fine, I've never seen Caddyshack the whole way through but I know it automatically makes you a better person to like Caddyshack so I lie about it.

So there you have it.  Sports talk radio, kids.  I have never steered you anywhere before, have I?

Wait, what?