YES, it makes sense.

So I have been reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer and it's so good.  I read it a while ago, but apparently I don't remember books, only intricate plot lines of early 90s family-friendly comedies (note: I also know every single thing about every single episode of Full House UNTIL DJ grew her bangs out.  Then it just got stupid.)  Anyway, since FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints - the ones who are on Sister Wives) are basically in the Utah area, and Utah is the home of Salt Lake City, it got me thinking that two of my favorite movies take place in Salt Lake City.  What?!  This is a totally normal conclusion.

Seriously, though, what the a-holes did to the mother and baby makes my blood boil.  You need to become obsessed and outraged immediately.  Okay, I'm not going to talk about the book anymore.  Seriously, though, read it.

Back to why you came.  What movies are you talking about, Bink's Mom??  Well, friends, you probably already know them well, but I guess I will tell you.

1. Savannah Smiles
2. A Hobo's Christmas

What are these movies, nay, FILMS, you say?  Well, you probably know Savannah Smiles.  It's about a little girl from a rich family who is tired of being ignored by her very wealthy parents (say it like this: veeeeeeeery weeeeeeeeeeeeeeealthy, Lovey) so she decides to run away from home.  She goes to the playground with her auntie, and decides to hide in the car of two bumbling ex-cons who take her on a wild adventure that includes buying toys, living in a house, and Pat Morita is in it.  Also, the ex-cons eat squirrel and their names are Alvie and Bootsy.  Alvie.  And.  Bootsy.  Men. 

Seriously, the most gorgeous little girl ever.

I know this description makes it sound kind of boring and stupid and, well, level-twoish, but it isn't, it is totally awesome.  Yup, I said totally awesome.  The little girl in it is literally the cutest child ever made.  It's really sad, she died of a drug overdose when she was like 21 or something.  I don't want to end on that sad note, and really, I need to watch it again to get more details because for reals, yo, it is AWESOME.  There are random songs in it written FOR the movie "Savannah Smiles" and "White Knight", to name them all, and if you have a kid, or were a kid, or know a kid, you should watch this movie.  It is AWESOME.

Bootsy and Alvie, bitches!

But the real prize of this post is of course A Hobo's Christmas.  So, like, eight years ago on Thanksgiving morning, I was watching TV (obviously) and I had missed the opening credits.  I was watching my ghetto-tastic TV/VCR combo set, that did not have digital anything and therefore I could not check to see what the movie was actually called.  But there was talk about all of these hobos so I said to myself, "What's the name of this movie, A Hobo's Christmas?" and laughed for 2 hours.

And friends, you guessed it.  It actually was.

Save a horse, hug a hobo.

So Gerald McRaney is a cop in SLC (Salt Lake City for the poseurs) with two kids.  He's a widower from Buffalo or somewhere, where he was a coal miner or something.  He has a girlfriend who is a nurse that he cannot give his whole heart to... for some reason... could it be that he is unable to love due to the loss of his wife?  Nah.  It's because his dad is a hobo and ran out on him when he was 12 to ride the rails!  Also, he definitely calls the girlfriend fat in one scene and there are several "cuts" to different scenes that are actually old news footage.  It is the greatest thing of all time. 

I love you and your sexy red hat, fat nurse...
The story is of course dumb and pointless - Major Dad and the hobo work out their issues, and you meet a hilarious gang of other hoboes along the way - including Cincinatti Harold, Biloxi Slim, and Omaha John Boswell.  Please tell me you are cracking up right now.  Otherwise, I'm taking back my Best Friends necklace. 

So please, watch these movies.  They're probably out on DVD or on some sort of hip and cool "online" whatever.  I don't get that, either.  Why is society making things so difficult for me?  Can't I just have my TV/VCR combo back!?  Come on!!

Excuse me while I French Omaha John Boswell.

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