Best Movie Line Ever

"Is this the ear you can't hear on?  George Bailey, I'm gonna love you 'til the day I die."

Binks and I are watching It's a Wonderful Life, and this is just how I want Christmas Eve to always be.

Merry Christmas!! xoxoxo


OMG, You Guys!

Okay, you guys are awesome and TB I adore you.  I sounded like the saddest little monkey in the world yesterday, which was not my intention.  I was feeling dumpy, but my situation is FAR from dire and I thank you so much for your kindness - I was drama and you were awesome.

Saddies... then.
All better!


I Just Want to be...



Wait, let's back up.  Do you do this?  I am always looking at other people and thinking "Oh, I wish I were funny like them" or "I wish I were outgoing like they are" or "I wish I dressed so well, like her" but I never stop to think about what I do well, or what I am like - you know?  It's sort of a dumb thing that made me think of it.  Here's what happened:

I was at a department store where I had a gift card and decided to treat myself to some makeup.  I wasn't wearing any so I looked like, well, an ogre and I was talking to the woman at Bobbi Brown (because that's what Kate and Pippa use and, well, they are perfect) and telling her I wanted a few things for everyday that looked pretty but still natural.  We were experimenting and she pulled out a really pretty red color when she meant to pull something rosy and neutral and she said "Oh, my!  Sorry for scaring you there! That's a bright red, we won't use that!" She was being nice and making a joke, but I love makeup.  I usually wear it everyday, and lots of it.  But since I looked like a hobo sidling up to the makeup counter, obviously she thought I was one of those hippie girls who have frizzy hair (mine is just greasy from not shampooing daily, thankyouverymuch - just kidding, well, it probably is a little greasier but I am sort of loving the every-other-day thing) that, like, doesn't understand what highlighter is.  Der.  I own like five of them.  They lift and separate!

So I got to thinking that the image I am projecting is 100% NOT the person I actually am right now, but what AM I? 

We could get into it, but come on, I know I'm just like everyone else.  Sometimes I'm one way, sometimes I'm different.  Right now I am wearing navy polish, and wish I were wearing something neutral.  Worrying so much about appearances is dumb, but I think that when I'm feeling awkward and not confident about myself, it's easier to focus on hair and makeup and the outside things rather than really ask yourself WHY you are feeling awkward and not-confident. 

So even though I don't make New Year's Resolutions (I always do birthday ones) I think I am going to try to make an effort to feel, well, less awkward and not-confident and I won't really care so much about lipgloss and blush. Well, I always will, but you know what I mean.

Being Fancy

Husband and I went on a date to a fancy restaurant this weekend, which we have not done since Bink was born.  It was AWESOME.  The place was amazing and it really recharged us, you know?  Before we had dinner, we went to this cool little bar across the street from the restaurant and I got this.  It was heavenly.  A definite must-try, or make at home? 

Can you do that with lemon peels? If yes, can I come over?

The story of how the French 75 became popular and received it's name is said to be that it created by Harry MacElhone for returning WWI fighter pilots. It is named after an artillery gun called the French 75 which, like the drink, was known for it's kick. This drink can also be made with brandy in place of the gin and there is some question as to which version is the real French 75, but gin is the more common now. To add another twist, if the same drink is made with vodka for the base spirit, it is a French 76.


  • 1/2 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz gin
  • 1/2 oz Cointreau
  • Champagne


  1. Pour the lemon juice or gin and Cointreau into a cocktail shaker with ice cubes.
  2. Shake well.
  3. Strain into a chilled Champagne flute.
  4. Carefully add the Champagne.
SOOOO good.

Playdate Etiquette

What is it?  You guys tell me and then I'll tell you what I did.
This is the f$cking stupidest thing I've ever seen. If any of you have these I demand my best friend necklace back.
Here are some clues:

EVERYONE wants their kids to have more greens.

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday! (Yes, on Tuesday)

Can you believe it's Thursday again?  Already?  Even though it is Tuesday.  I firmly believe certain days are faster than others.  Tuesday, for example.  Lamest day of the week.  When I was a Big Sister, my Little Sister suggested we meet on Tuesdays so at least something good happened on such a crappy day.  She was the best.  Anway...

Today's righteous rando is none other than sweet little Penny Belding.  Penny Belding, you say?  But Mr. Belding and his wife Becky have a baby son, Zack, not a daughter!  Der, Penny is Mr. Belding's niece!  In from elsewhere (ha I forget where) on a weekend Kelly is celebrating her birthday at the Max and expects Zack to be her date, but Mr. B has other plans... in order to evade detention, suspension, or some equally horrible fate, Mr. Belding is willing to let the whole thing slide IF he takes Penny out when she comes to town.

What's a Preppy to do?!

Obviously, you pop Screech in a blondie wig, give him a fetching blazer, and have him take Penny out instead!

So Screech takes Penny out and it's a Taylor Swift video of romance and adorableness - this plan was perfect, Zack!  It can't possibly go wrong!!

Yeah, right!  Everyone knows that when Screech is involved, highjinks ensue, and this is no exception.  Screech brings Penny to the party, and when Kelly comes over to introduce herself, Penny gushes about her hot date, Zack!  And then we all remember the classic line: "He's so hot, he makes my teeth sweat."  And Kelly FLIPS and calls poor puny Penny (she is literally 3.5 feet tall) a "not nice girl" and before a full-on fight breaks out, all is revealed and then I don't remember what happens.  What?!  I probably last saw this episode in 1999.  Even though it IS a good one.

She's definitely thinking he's a tasty dish. HA!
  Let's see how the webs remember this one...

Penny Belding
Richard Belding’s niece. She was blonde and bubbly, but no one wanted to date her as she was related to the Principal.
During Zack’s sophomore year at Bayside, he earned himself a Saturday School detention. In order to be released from serving time and to be able to attend Kelly’s upcoming party, he signed a treaty with Mr. Belding agreeing to take Penny out on a date on Friday in lieu of serving his sentence. After making this agreement, Kelly informed Zack that her birthday party would also be that Friday, since the Max was booked on Saturday. In order to make Kelly’s party, Zack trained Screech to imitate him, so that he could take Penny out on the date instead; this worked out well because Penny was attracted to Screech, but she angered Kelly when she said that she was hot for “Zack,” thinking that was who Screech was.
She was played by actress Jodi Peterson, who also played Ben Seaver’s girlfriend, Laura Lynn, on Growing Pains.

Okay, they miss the many, many subtle nuances of what makes this episode awesome.  And they lie - Penny is totally from out of town, so nobody knows her.  And I love that they say "treaty", which I don't remember, but enjoy fully.  But who is Jodi Peterson?  I remember Laura Lynn, but I bet there is more. 

Annnd, there isn't.  She was in Growing Pains and SBTB, and like, that was it.  But really, if you hit those two shows, what else would you even be interested in doing?  I'd chuck it all and go work at the mall.  Or the Bayside High Bookstore.


Okay, full disclosure

I'm trying something new.

You are aware that I think I am French, non?  Ha, whateva.  Anyway, I chopped off my hair at the beginning of the summer, and I'm due for a cut.  However, it is WAY too short still and I want it to grow, like ten more inches, in addition to the bangs that seemed to have STOPPED GROWING COMPLETELY, so I am trying a new tack.

I'm washing my hair every other day now.  Well, starting today.  Meaning, I washed it yesterday and today in the shower I just rinsed and conditioned it. 

I feel GROSS.  But I think it will save my hair.  Does this actually work?  I'll keep you posted...

Dear Bink, You are NOT the third Olsen twin.

Start eating.  Love, Mom

So, Bink is a big girl.  She is a big eater, accordingly.  Except when I feed her.  This child will NOT eat for me.  Or drink out of a cup, which is making diaper time much easier because she is totally dehydrated as a result. 

Copy the glasses, Bink, NOT the eating habits. HMPH.
I am SO frustrated.  And taking it personally, because if she eats for EVERYONE else, it's my fault.  If it's everyone else, it's you.  That is a fact.

Girly Indulgences

Do you guys get like this?  When I feel like nothing is going my way, or I'm just kind of out of sorts, I immerse myself in a beauty routine.  I don't know why, but if my nails and hair look nice, I feel like I'm more in control of things.  I'm a total beauty junkie and I like to know what everyone uses, and if I should use it, so if you have suggestions, let me know, as I am still on the hunt for a perfectly long-lasting blush and the PERFECT lipstick.  I'm getting close, but no clear winner yet.

Also, are there certain brands that you NEVER buy, for no reason at all?  I never buy Estee Lauder, for example.  I'm just not interested.  There is no reason, but I just don't.  Okay, I know this is totally boring...

Here's what I can't live without.  What can't you live without?

1. Mario Badescu Buffering Lotion.  When I got pregnant, I became a walking, vomiting zit.  OMG, that is the grossest EVER.  But it's true.  Anyway, I tried a billion things and the only thing that helped - and helped AMAZINGLY, were Mario Badescu products.  They are frickin awesome and, as someone who battled breakouts for, like, ever, I know all about every product ever created for all time.  This product is the champ, though.  A total must if you have skin, like, at all.
Buffering Lotion
OMG you're welcome.
2. Dior Addict perfume.  Hands down the best perfume ever.  In the summer, I change it up and wear Kai, because Addict is a very heavy scent, but outside of that, I wear nothing else.  Sort of like Marilyn Monroe, except a different perfume and I also wear clothes.
Dior Addict
I feel fabulous when I wear it, which is the whole point, right?
3. Laura Mercier Secret Camouflage.  Again, when I was pregnant and the ugliest person of all time, this did wonders in terms of covering up my splotches, blotches, and tearstains (there was a LOT of crying that year).
Secret Camouflage
Spackletastic, baby!
4. Sara Happ The Lip Slip.  So lip products are my downfall.  I have billions and it is sick and gross.  But this is now the ONLY lip balm I use.  It's a little expensive, but I have had my tub for over a year now and I am halfway done (use it constantly) and better yet, I haven't bought any other lip balms that whole time.  So it's really SAVING money.  Right?!  People have told me her lip scrub is heaven as well.

Get this immediately.
 What can't you live without?  What should we all try?



I KNEW it would!

So at Thanksgiving I definitely posted a... um, post called "Turkey Whores", because I wanted to see if someone actually searched for that, and if so, if they would get here.

Today, my friends, it happened.

A true turkey...
"-porn turkey whores"

You're welcome.  Sigh.  I don't know why this is such a victory, but it IS. 

Christmas Songs (fine, just one)

So Christmas music is now my favorite thing of all time.  In theory.  Right now I am listening to Pandora Christmas, and I hate, like, every song that's playing.  Sidenote: did you know The Kinks have a Christmas album?  I randomly love The Kinks the most.  Anyway, so I am suffering through this dreck just so I can hear The Song.  The One Song.  The Only Christmas Song I Like.  Actually, it is in my top five songs of all time, ever.  That is how much I love it.  I was out once and one of the people I was with paid the DJ $100 to play it.  What is it?

Christmas Wrapping, by the Waitresses.  Complete with the worst and creepiest video of all time.  OMG.

Now, here's the thing, and let me know if you agree: It doesn't count unless you hear it on the radio, randomly.  Like, I have this song on my iPod, but I don't count it because I can manipulate my iPod to play whatever I want, whenever I want.  On the radio (regular or streaming, whatever), it could be weeks before it came on when I was in the car, and if I did catch it, it was a major victory.  This is normal, right?  Like, the correct way to do this? 

ECCH... I've been listening for like 2 hours and NOTHING.  This is horsesh!t.


What's Happenin' Hot Stuff??

I had food poisoning last night.  It was horrible.  Excuse my lack of brainpower.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Keep it clean, kiddos...


Okay, for realsies...


I have a friend who I just made who is awesome and fabulous and I would like to be her.  No joke.

This is what happens when you Google "Saved by the Bell jealous". You're welcome.
And today I found out that her husband is an amazingly talented artist (artisan?  I'm not sure the exact terminology, but once you see this stuff, you will forget about me for life and want to only be friends with them.) who makes gorgeous wood pieces that I am dying over.  I want all of it - what I got I am obsessed with.  You need to see this stuff and and buy it and people will be jealous of your awesome taste. 

Because I am computer-idiot I am posting this link, but if it doesn't work or you need more information, let me know, okay?  You WON'T be sorry (say this like Janeane Garofalo in Reality Bites).

Click the link. It's better than My Sharona. Most things are.

Rain King Woods. OMG. You're welcome.

When We are Poor...

Well, not really, but with my very fabulous trip this weekend, where I did not fall asleep (seriously fall asleep, not pass out, I am boring) at 8:15 pm, and all of my Christmas shopping done, I am trying to cut back for a few weeks and enjoy the simpler (read: freer) things in life.  This weekend will be spent making Spritz cookies (finally, I've been bragging about them for 5489 years and still have yet to make them) and catching up on all of the Christmas DVR I've missed (does anyone remember The Christmas Toy?  Why do I?  I taped it last week and I totally remember it but don't remember it at all, does that make sense?  It's kind of creepy.  I will watch it again this weekend and let you know how it is.), which should be lowkey, but in addition I also went to the library today to grab some books and some music for Bink.

Now, I love the library, it is legit my favorite place in the world (EVEN moreso than the old Littlest Bar - look it up, you'll love it, too) but it drives me INSANE when this happens: a person goes up to the desk, asks for something they've placed on hold, and the person behind the desk, without fail, asks for his or her library card, and they panic and have to look for 456908 minutes to find it.  Dude.  You can't do anything at the library without first giving the librarian the library card.  TWO people in front of me did this today and I wanted to punch them in the neck.  And they didn't even owe me six hundred dollars (PLEASE tell me you get this Gap Girls reference!).

Anyway, I digress.  And to further digress, I present to you the greatest pictures of all time:

Please. Kelly and DJ were obviously the best ones, and should go bang-to-bang.

No way. The only thing they have in common is a love of bike shorts with skirts. But everyone did that, so whateva. Please.

Both annoying, both had secret boyfriends (Duckface and Gavin the environmentalist in the cut day episode) so this is about right. Also, they were both the worst ones.
So I got Bink some new music that hopefully doesn't make me want to poke my eardrums out.  Which is both painful AND makes you deafish - not Miss Simpson deaf, but I did it a few years ago and it was the worst, so I will let you know what I think, and if I like it, and if you should buy it.  Or take it out of the library for free.

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

Good morning, class!

Good morning, Miss Simpson!

I said, good morning, class!
Okay, I KNOW this is teeny, but I felt like it was too wordy right here and needed a little something.  Yes, this is a current picture that I took of my Michael Jackson Barbie and Heart Family Dad that I still own. 
Oh, yes, friends... it's that time... you know it's that time... (please tell me you are familiar with Lavonne and Barry Sagittarius from The State - either that or their $240 worth o'puddin... PLEASE?!)

Saved by the Bell Thursday!!  And today our totally terrific tertiary toots (what up thesaurus.com!) is our sweet little deaf teacher with a hankerin' for love stories, skateboarding and a bad back.  Here is what I remember:

Miss Simpson was randomly British and LOVED Shakespeare and totes deaf.  And when Kelly dropped Zack for Jeff the hot college man with the wandering eye, Miss Simpson TOTALLY burned them both by having them act out Romeo and Juliet on top of her desk. 

Oh, and in one episode she gets a hearing aid, but it's too hilariously sensitive and then she pulls it out! 

Please read the nonsense on the blackboard. What IS that?!
Okay, Interwebs, gimme whatcha got!

Mrs. Simpson was the nearly-deaf, British-accented teacher who taught English class. She also appeared at the beginning of junior year and embarrassed Kelly and Zack by referring to them as “Bayside’s Most Beloved Couple” just a short while after they broke up. She said she didn't like Zack, and once wore a hearing aid that she discarded because the titular bell caused painful sound waves to assault her. She also made an appearance in the pilot episode of The New Class. She was played by Pamela Kosh.

Titular.  Moving on.

Who is this Pamela Kosh?  Obviously I was right about everything, but who is the real woman??

Okay, so she starred in exactly one episode of every show ever, much like our dear friend Craig Strand aka I can't remember his real name, but she was in So Little Time (I don't care I loooooved this show - Olsen Twins for life!!) and Kirk.  Okay, let's talk about Kirk for a second.  Because I've never heard of this show before, and neither has my best friend, who works in TV now and whose coworker WORKED on this show and has a mug that says "Kirk, Season One" that we all want for ourselves and now this show has come up twice in three days.  Coincidence???  I don't know.  Probably not.

DJ's Brother.
Also, does anyone else feel funnier when they are full and caffeinated?  I had a latte this morning, but just housed a Kashi bar and a FULL FAT COKE (blaspheme!) and now I feel like a hundred bucks.



OMG, this wedding was not to be believed.  When I have some pictures where I have skinny arm, I will show you.  Highlights:
1. Jack in the Box.  HEAVEN.
2. Chili's - the only acceptable place to go for lunch when you are 50 miles from the Mexican border, right?
3. Wine, wine and more wine.
4. Getting one's hair and makeup done does wonders for the psyche.
5. It was colder in California than it was in New England this weekend.  I felt smug.  Not sure why.

Also, don't EVER fly American.  It is beyond terrible.  It had the best time for us to fly, but was such a disaster it would have been worth it to take a later flight or pay more.  SICK.

Also, who is ready to celebrate?  Husband got a new job!  Hooooooooooray!!

Also, Bink is starting to "talk".  Being 13 months old, this is not terribly surprising, but it IS terribly cute.  Here is what she is saying:
1. Dad
2. Hi
3. Bye
4. Tick tock
5. Good girl

It is the cutest ever.  I'll try to film it for you.

And I know I said "also" four times, but it was necessary.


Some good books...

Anyone?  I'm currently obsessed with Francoise Sagan (live it, love it, I'm telling you), but I feel like I keep picking duds out at the library.  No, I don't mean picking out cool outfits, I mean I keep accidentally getting boring books about deep water diving or other things I don't understand/care about.


Something like this, really, but that I haven't already read...

I'm actually not opposed to re-reading these, but they only take like 20 minutes to get through. Also, do NOT read Sweet Valley Confidential. It is NOT what you want to have happened happen.


Okay, guys don't read this...

There is NO way any guy reads this anyway, but I wanted to give fair warning before I start on this subject.  A little background...

So like I said, my best friend is getting married this weekend and I realize that my mom-wardrobe just isn't cutting it, so I went out to the shops for a few things (here is where I pretend I am Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors, apparently).  And what I found, friends... is life-changing.


Yes, I realize that SPANX have been around since the Pilgrims, but apparently I thought I was so Olsen-twinnish that I didn't need it.  Um, no.  Well, today all of that changes.  I AM Olsen-twinnish when I put on my shiny new shapewear and I never, ever want to take it off.  EVER.

How rude! Tss...
Can you imagine?!  No more gym!  Everything falling off in a waif-like manner!  Life would be so perfect!  Oh, wait, is that if you truly were waiflike and not just stuffing yourself into nude-colored spandex - tres sexy!  Whatever.  Shapewear.  Is.  Awesome.

But don't TELL anyone you're wearing it.  It defeats the purpose.  On that note, I am going to RETURN all of my shapewear and if anyone notices my gorgeousness, it's genetics, that's ALL.


Okay, now NONE of us can be in a bad mood...

Papa Gino's is doing 50% off today.  Eff the mac and cheese, we are hitting up the Trattoria.  I know I told you guys about the Trattoria, right?

Hello, lover. No, seriously. We're dating.

Okay, all better!

  • Coke Zero in hand.
  • Rudolph is on tonight.
  • I DVRed one of my all-time favorite Lifetime Christmas movies, A Boyfriend for Christmas, starring Kelli Williams, who I am randomly in love with, and will be watching it tonight while consuming boxed macaroni and cheese.  MAYBE some wine, but only because Bink likes it.

All I can picture her saying is "Do yoooooooooooou want this??"

  • Christmas shopping is done. 
  • Leaving EAAAARLY Friday morning for Los Angeles to share in my best friend's wedding.  When I went to her bachelorette (where I met Weird Al, please see below), I brought them a bag of Dunkin Donuts grody donuts because there are no Dunkin's in LA.  This time, I may bring them another taste of home in the form of clam chowder.  Ew, kidding!  Can you imagine clam chowder on a plane?  SIIIIIIICK.
    • Side note: when I was in college, I lived in London for a semester.  We went to Scotland for a   weekend and they served salmon sandwiches on a teeny plane and everyone smelled like salmon sandwiches for the rest of their lives.  Or until they showered.
  • I forgot my gym clothes today. 
  • Phew.  All better now.  I hate being in a mood.  It's like when Stephanie had to get glasses and she was all bummed about it, and then Urkel came in and made everything all better.  Yes.  EXACTLY like that. 
  • OMG that room. To die.


Another crappy post...

So the flurry of activity from being away from work for a week has finally worn down, and now I am so sad I can't even deal.  I love my job, but I hate being away from Bink all day, everyday.  I know I am missing out on so much - time that I will never get back, and even though right now there isn't much I can do about it (I can't stop working anytime soon - we don't have a house yet so there's no way I can drop everything and be a stay-at-home-mom) it still makes me sad.

How do we do this?  Everyday is so hard.  Meh.

Ech, post-vacation blues...

Okay, I PROMISE this is my last crappy post.  Pinky swear.  Let's lighten the mood a bit...

This never stops being awesome. Oh, Beek...

How was everyone's holiday?

Hello, hello!

And we're baaaack!! (please say this like Jimmy Fallon and Ben Affleck say it in that really stupid SNL skit from 54890 years ago, but sticks in your head anyway even though it is NOT funny.)

How was Thanksgiving?  Mine was fine, with the glaring exception of Little Miss Binks continuing her not-sleeping-streak.  Hooray!  Oh, wait, no, it sucked.  But we managed.  I think she's entering a bit of a clingy phase, where she understands when she isn't at home in her own bed, and gets sad.  Poor Binks!  She also has her first cold, which is decimating me.  I know it is only a cold, and she has had like 58490 illnesses that were way WORSE than colds, but she looks so sad and miserable that it keeps making me cry.

Also, how is everyone's holiday shopping going?  I am pretty much buying everything online now, and it is heaven.  Stores are so full of people who are gross and suck that it is really nice to be able to sit at home and blow through my list without having to actually talk to anyone.  What?!  I was in a store this weekend and it was terrible!  It was so crowded and people are so inconsiderate and it's just easier to skip the whole thing.

What is also extra awesome is Ebates.  Do it, I swear you won't be sorry. Click on my link on the righthand side to enjoy the greatness...

Also, let's talk about awesome deals.  I'm getting tons of them.  What do you need?  What are you getting?  I will try to find you a lower price if you found something you like.  It's sort of my passion.  Which I know is sort of sad.

Okay, I know this post sucked, I'm out of practice!  Promise I'll do better later and we'll be friends again.



I don't get it.  Literally, we went to bed at 2.  Up at her normal time.  Screaming and crabbing and please excuse me while I jump out the window.

Lucky for her she is cute...


An Embarrassing Secret...

Good afternoon, my darlings... no, no, nothing is wrong... just same old me, doing the same old thing.

FINE!  I can't take it anymore!  I must reveal my secret shame.

I have full on Christmas MANIA.

It's sad and it's gross and I don't care.  Last year I was WAY too post-partem-depressey to be able to enjoy the full experience of a holiday with a child, but now I'm back and on more Prozac than ever and I see that have kids around the holidays is AWESOME.  You can buy EVERYTHING.  And it's fine and nobody can tell you to put it away because it is all for the kid.  Amazing.  Here's what Bink and I have done so far:
  • Made a Christmas card.  The background, anyway.  Now the only thing we need to do is take the cutest picture in the world of her in HER ELF HAT and we are golden.
  • Bought an elf hat.
  • Set the DVR to tape 23 Christmas movies on Lifetime, ABC Family and the Hallmark Channel this week.
  • Got a cookie press to make spritz cookies, my dream come true.
  • Bought ornaments and fabric glue to make even MORE ornaments!
  • Got millions of sparkly items to put all over the place so nothing is without cheer.
  • Strongarmed the husband into letting us decorate tonight instead of after Thanksgiving, which is really the appropriate time to start decorating, I know this.
  • Already listened to Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses, which is the greatest holiday song of all time.  ALL TIME!
Now she is napping and I am preparing our next move.  Probably to go to the store to buy milk and FLOUR for my spritz cookies.  OMG I cannot wait. 


It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

YAY!  Best time of the week!  BESIDES wine o'clock, I'm human after all.  Time to hit up the old Bayside yearbook (class of 198-fabulous) and see who we've got today...

Drum roll (by Slater, drummer of Zack Attack) please...

It's Johnny Dakota!

Seriously, he is in my top three FAVORITE random characters on SBTB for many, many reasons:
  • Cool hair
  • Cool jacket
  • Johnny sweat (you remember the sunglasses Lisa bought "complete with Johnny sweat")
  • When putting together the blocking for the commercial he points to the stick figure that is supposed to be Kelly and he smoothly says "But you have more curves." 
  • How he calls Zack "friend" when he is mad and Zack is like "you are NOT my friend, drugface"
  • He has a sexy manager who follows him everywhere.
Okay, so here's what happens in this episode.  Johnny Dakota's hot car (it HAS to be a limo, right?) breaks down and the only place they can find to stop is a not-gas-station-or-mechanic-but-Bayside-High.  Apparently, he is shooting a drug commercial (anti, der) at a different high school (HAS to be Valley, right?) and was on his way there when the car broke down.  Hey, you're already at a high school, why not choose Bayside instead?!  Lisa swoons because she loves him so much, and Jessie acts like the snobby class president we know and love and is like "Why don't I tell you about what else that makes Bayside great?" and then they do some stupid rap song about drugs and it sucks and Johnny's still unconvinced at the coolness of BHS when suddenly Zack brings Kelly out from volleyball practice or something and he falls in love with her INSANE camel toe and cropped jean jacket and agrees that Bayside is the school that's cool and you know that it's true (wait! Different episode.  A TORI episode.  Vom.). 

I tried really hard to find the CT picture, but I cannot Google that so this is what you get.

So they are immediately swept into the Hollywood scene and go to a hot party where Jessie is dressed like she's on her way to interview for Patrick Bateman's secretary and lo and behold, drugs abound!  Johnny doesn't think it's a big deal since it's only pot, but the high school kids do NOT think it's cool.  Except Zack, who sort of does and would totally have stayed if not for Kelly's prudish fears.  The next day (obviously) they are back at school shooting the commercial and they confront him and it is boring and then some random people who also hate drugs sit together in a room and talk about it and then at the end Brandon Tartikoff saves the day by being WAY funnier and cooler than Mr. Belding could ever imagine.

I don't know if they are trying to be funny, but it is. Sweet bomber.
Phew.  There is way more to this episode, but these are definitely the highlights.

Okay, internets, do your worst:
Johnny Dakota was an actor who chose Bayside as the site for filming his anti-drug commercial in a 1991 episode. He was played by Eddie Garcia, who was one of the stars of another NBC comedy series called Guys Next Door and was dating Tiffani-Amber Thiessen at the time (Interestingly, he fell for her character Kelly in the episode). Zack thinks this is a great idea. He sees this as a chance for stylish parties and to get close to Hollywood babes. However the gang soon found that Johnny himself was a pot user. After being shunned by the gang as a result of his dirty habit, Johnny left Bayside without filming his commercial. The gang then filmed an anti-drug PSA with the help of Brandon Tartikoff.

Note: I definitely remember the theme song to The Guys Next Door.  It went "We're the guys!  We're the guys next door, we're the guys next door, whoa-oh!"  You're welcome.  But wait, where is this Eddie Garcia now???

Um, he is a dancer.  It is weird.  He was also on The Tony Danza show in 1997.  Did you know there was a Tony Danza Show, ever?  Oh, and he was in Lambada.  The Forbidden Dance!!!

OMG and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo!  He should have retired from the business then and there!!

Here we go again...

Latest traffic sources to "Sleep is So 2009"*
  • worst duck face         
  • screech,s robot from saved by the bell
  • gossip girl towel on her head         
  • big picture of dj tanner
  • duck face cleavage cartoon picture 
  • geekburger 
  • locker room naked
If you were the one who entered these to get here, again, I implore you to reveal yourself, as you are much, much more interesting than I am.

I think my favorite HAS to be "geekburger".  Note: you are ALL geekburgers with cheese.

*The funny ones.  There were boring ones, but who cares about those?


Holiday cheer

So the holidays are coming.  That means you can spend more time with friends, family and other assorted loved ones, getting to know one another all over again, for the first time.  A good way to do this would be spending time reconnecting in front of a fire, drinking mulled cider and enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers.

Or, you could play this.

Yes, it is real.

It's called Un-Uh!  No, He Di'int! and it is the greatest game of all time.  I think that it cost $12 approximately three years ago, so if you are feeling the economic pinch, you could definitely recreate this for $2.50.   

Want to play?  Awesome, let's do it.

This is the box that the game comes in.  Everyone who has played it with me thus far has asked if this is me on the cover.  It is not.

The back of the box.  You can see here that it is a game of secrets and laughter.  They are NOT falsely advertising.  But they are down at the bottom, when they say you should not play it with alcohol.  Much like the 90210 Survey Game I got when I was 13 and still play regularly, you need to play with booze or it is really boring and stupid.
 Rules!  A good game always has rules and UU!NHD-I! is no exception.  Please note that they say on the box not to play with alcohol, but they are hip to our little game and know that not nobody ain't playing with the booze.
More rules.  The glare is kind of bad, but you will see that all of these games neither inspire secrets nor laughter.  MORE false advertising.
 The board.  It looks like you could play multiple games in one evening, as the board is so small.  Do not be fooled.  It takes forever and you will barely be able to finish one game in one night.
 The spinner.  As you can see, you don't get much here.
A close-up of the board.  You probably can't see it, but that yellow square says: "My man's a pig!" "Girl, let me tell you!" and "He never takes me out!"  Be prepared to shout these catchphrases multiple times during the game and in your personal day-to-day life.  You will also probably get these phrases wrong in real life and say different things (i.e. "Go on girl, tell me about it!") and be very shocked and angry when you read the actual catchphrase.
You're welcome.

So if you are thinking of things to do during the coming holiday season, you can play this and think of me.  Or play the 90201 Survey Game (I don't know if they make that anymore) and think of this.  I just want to be in there somewhere.

How Dunkin Donuts Crushed My Spirit Before 8:45 AM, A Love Story...

Fine, it's not.

Okay, who else hates when this happens?  Your train gets in early and you think "Ooh, I love iced tea from Dunkin Donuts, I think I will go to the Dunkin in the train station because I'm right here, and get a delicious iced tea and be on my merry way!!"
How it SHOULD have been.

And then you go to the Dunkin Donuts in the train station, and the people waiting in line are more hideous than those at the DMV (what is it about the DMV?  You walk in Kate Middleton and as soon as you pass through the door you become Carrot Top) AND meaner.  You order your iced tea, and the girl making your iced tea cannot figure it out and says "Who orders iced tea?!" in a crazy voice and the other people waiting in line for their breakfast sandwiches give you meanface until you move behind them because they were there first even though as soon as you shamefacedly make your way to the back, crazy lady starts screaming "iced tea!" and you have to go back to the front, try to look haughty, but then you remember you probably also look like Carrot Top or a reasonably ugly facsimile and have to run away.

How it was.
So that's how my day is going.


Turkey Whores

Next week is Thanksgiving.  Who doesn't love Thanksgiving?  Do NOT raise your hand or else we're broken up.  And none of that "but I'm a vegetarian!"crap.  You can eat stuffing without meats.  I often do.  I'm actually doing it right now.

Meat-free. And delicious.
Doing it. 

Definitely still own this.
Anyway, so normally we go to my uncle's house, wherein my husband and I drink all of my family's wine and don't offer to help clean, and then force my little cousins (who are in their twenties, whatever, they will always be babies to me!) to find their old Sweet Valley High and Baby-Sitters Club books and we read them aloud.  Then we go to my husband's family's house and eat more turkey and it is awesome, but there is a lot of driving involved, since we are in one place and my husband's family is a bit north of us.

But not this year.

This year we are going to be doing the coolest thing ever.  Thursday will be spent at my uncle's house, but then Friday morning we are going up to my husband's family lake house and we are doing Thanksgiving there.  Picture a cross between "On Golden Pond" (in terms of beauty, etc.) and "Animal House" (in terms of our behavior).  It is going to be SO much fun.  So I am obsessing over this and this morning I presented Husband with a really good idea.

Me: "We should definitely buy extra stuffing to make after dinner.  It always goes first, because it is the best, and then we can enjoy it as leftovers and everyone will think I am brilliant?"
Husband: "Yeah, good idea."
Me: "Um, it is a REALLY good idea.  Why aren't you more excited about it?  We can have stuffing at like ten at night!"
Husband: "Yup, stuffing is good."

And that was that.  Here's why it makes me furious: what will happen, because this is what ALWAYS happens, is that I will bring up stuffing, and nobody will care, and then someone will find it in the kitchen and make it and everyone will enjoy it and then everyone will take full credit for this awesome idea and it will be like I never existed.  Guaranteed.  And now I have legit proof (when I complain about this, I am always asked for evidence that something was my idea, and now I have it.)  that I thought of this first. 

PS: I mostly called this "Turkey Whores" because I wanted to see if anyone searched for something like this.  I condone neither turkey nor whoring.  You know what I mean.


@ The Gym

I go to the gym.  I feel like it is important (Incentive Pants totally fit again, PHEW) because I don't get much exercise outside of it, and I want Bink to feel like activity is a good thing. 

(Side: She HATES McDonalds.  There MUST have been a mix-up in the hospital.  My Mom gets me an Arch Card for every major holiday and it is always my favorite gift.)

Anyway, today I was coming into the locker room and there was a girl standing in front of one of the mirrors.  She was wearing a longsleeved t-shirt and was putting her hair in a ponytail.  She was completely naked from the waist down. 

This is really weird, right?  Like, really weird.  I am very much pro-pant and do not think it is appropriate to do mundane things like put hair in ponytails with no unders on.  I don't care if you think I'm wrong, if this is wrong, I don't wanna be right.  I feel the same way about lovin' you... 

What a Difference a Night Makes...

So Bink has been going through some serious teething lately, which has turned her into a crabfest.  She has also made the amazing transition from formula (expensive, left Mom poor) to milk (wonderfully inexpensive, I throw money in the streets a la Monopoly Man), which has left her with some "digestion" issues. 

Ergo, I have not slept.  Here was me yesterday:
No! Sleep! Since Thursday!!
So my sainted mother took Bink for a sleepover last night, wherein I slept from 6:30 p.m. until 7:00 this morning.  And here I am today:

You're welcome.
 OMG WHY do kids not sleep?!  I sleep!  Husband sleeps!  We love it!  Why does Bink hate it so much?  It's so amazing!  Anyway, I called the doctor, who had some advice for the milk issue, and stocked up on baby advil for the teeth, so hopefully tonight we'll all enjoy the soothing sounds of silence, until my wall calendar falls off of the fridge and crashes to the floor at 4 a.m., as it did last night, but once we figure out that it isn't a robber, all will be right with the world.  Fingers crossed!!

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday! (On Monday, what?!)

Okay, my dears, it's time for the all-important weekly rundown of the coolest tertiary characters in the coolest show about high schoolers (if anyone thinks the original Degrassi is better, I will cut you, but then sort of agree.  But only because they had babies in the bathroom, didn't they?) in Southern California at Bayside High.

Today's character is...

Craterface Coburn!!

Ah, Craterface... where do we begin?  Craterface was known in many circles at Bayside High for having the worst skin ever, as well as the worst laugh ever.  Screech accidentally invented the world's greatest zit cream and in order to test its strength, they immediately call on dear old Craterface Coburn to test out the products.  Lo and behold, they work!  Craterface's face is as smooth as a baby's bottom, and nobody even believes it's him, until he laughs that zany horselaugh and everyone is sold!  Until the cream ends up turning everyone's faces maroon and one would think it's curses for Screech and Zack (obviously Zack is handling the "marketing") until they realize that Bayside's colors are gray and maroon, so it's a display of school spirit, not bad skin!

I KNOW this is all correct, but let's just check in with the webs to be sure...

Charlie "Craterface" Coburn
Charlie was nicknamed "Craterface" because his face apparently was covered with acne (but not shown that way in any episodes). He was used by Zack to demonstrate a miracle blemish cream that Screech had accidentally invented in Chemistry class. As he was famous around Bayside for his extraordinary acne, he was a shining endorsement for the cream when it completely cleared up his face; so much so, that the school didn't believe it was really him. So Charlie performed his trademark chuckle as proof it was really him.

ALSO, his episode was called "Cream for a Day", which is obviously a reference to the other plotline of the episode, which was Kelly being voted Homecoming Queen.  I assume you knew that, however.

Okay, so who played Craterface?  What is his deal?  Is he real?  Let's find out...

His name is Scott Fults.  HE WAS 28 YEARS OLD WHEN HE PLAYED CRATERFACE.  He was also on 90210 once in an episode I don't remember and also once on Growing Pains.  Snooze.  Well, his name on Growing Pains was Leo Limetongue, so FINE, that is sort of awesome, but HMPH.  I'm disappointed.  There is enough information out there to make him a total NOT mystery and yet the information available is wicked boring. 

At least this picture exists:
In sum, my fellow Americans, I am entirely unexceptional. I apologize for your boredom and promise next SBTB Thursday will include someone much funnier and more ridiculous.


A Thanksgiving Tradition-al Response...

They are MUCH faster this year than they used to be.  I guess Katy Homes got promoted...

November 10, 2011
Dear Ms. K,

Thank you for sharing your idea with us. We always enjoy hearing from our consumers.
Our company strives to offer quality products and packaging to the greatest number of customers possible. We will report your comments to our marketing personnel.
We appreciate your interest in our products. Please expect to receive coupons via mail in 7-10 business days.
Tara Barnhart

First of all, Tara didn't even address my question!  Nothing Pocket-specific, which is really insulting.  Especially because there has never been a better idea, EVER.  HMPH.  Oh, well, there's always next year, brother...

Disappointing Pockeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...