Fifty Shades of OMG What a Waste of Time

Um, this book suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!  How many times can one's mouth quirk up in a smile?!  There is no way the real desperate housewives of America actually liked this book.  Please!  It's just one more person telling you what to do!  This is what a REAL erotic fantasy looks like:

... as she plucked a chili cheese fry off of the silver platter he had presented her with, she sighed lusciously.  The bed had been made with crisp, freshly ironed Egyptian cotton sheets and he was giving her a pedicure, complete with paraffin treatment and a calf massage. 

"Give me that remote," she barked, and he reached over and handed her the smooth, cool, unsticky control.  She clicked on Veronica Mars and immediately found What Not to Wear, so she could flip back and forth.  As he kneaded her arch, she enjoyed the peace that had come to her when he arrived in her life.  He smiled politely at her and she closed her eyes.

"I'll be napping when you're through, so please clean the bathroom, vacuum, and make dinner while I rest.  Also, please go to Costco and stock up on toilet paper and wine.  And when I wake up, have a glass of it ready for me," she ordered.  He nodded rapturously.

"It would be my pleasure," he moaned...

Um, I would just like you to know that I basically wrote this whole thing and accidentally erased it, and the rewrite is never as good as the original, but you get the point.  Don't read this book, even if you just got it out of the library and didn't actually buy it.  WASTE.  OF.  TIME.

1 comment:

  1. More! More!

    I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey, but I've heard that it's terribly written. If I want to read porn, I'll go to 1/2 price books and buy a Harlequin romance novel for $1 rather than wait a month in a library queue.

    ...Or, better yet, I'll just google it.