Things I'm Too Old for Thursday

1. Getting the day right. I know it's Friday. 
2. Katy Perry and John Mayer breaking up. Why do I care? 
Exhibit A:

Stop. She is awesome. I adore her.

Exhibit B: I invented John Mayer. Fine, MAYBE I didn't, except I totally did. In 2001, 2002 or 2003 - whenever he only had that one song out - my friends and I saw him open up for the Counting Crows and he was actually super funny and cool. I think now he probably isn't, because he has broken up with girls who seem awesome, but what do I know? Well, I know that 10 to 13 years ago, before he was famous, he was funny and put on a good show. And you know what song I LOOOOVE? "Gravity." It reminds me of cocktail hour at a wedding.

3. Wanting to see Frozen. Like, I am seriously debating buying it OnDemand before it comes out, even though we'd end up buying the discs anyway because we don't have any of those "devices" that you can, like, link up or whatever, so we can watch it right now. I mean, seriously - Veronica Mars and Rachel Berry's mom? Come ON.

4. Thinking Cadbury Eggs are delicious. Because they are not. They are, in fact, DISGUSTING. So last year, I was pregnant and unable to eat, well, food, so I missed out on the Easter stash. So my mom got us some Creme Eggs, and I was SO excited. Until I took a bite and spit it out. Yes, I do spit out things I don't like, you wanna fight about it? Anyway, it was totally awful and I hate them now. They used to be my playground, they used to be my childhood dream, but now they are my nightmare. They are gross.

What are you too old for?

STOP THE PRESSES! BREAKING: BABY SLEEPS!!

He.

Slept.

He slept he slept he slept he slept!!

The coffee I am currently drinking is purely recreational.

There are cartoon birds brushing Bink's and my hair.

Baby Boy is smiling and has no black circles under his eyes.

I put him in at 8. He woke up SOAKED (shame on me for saying Luvs never leak, but he has literally never woken up wet before) at 2:00 so I changed him and put him in his carseat.

He slept until 6:30.

I love this baby so much.

Best Commercial Ever

Sometimes commercials just get to you and change your life. They alter a generation irrevocably, never to be the same. If you grew up in the New England area in the 1980's, you will totally know who "Chow Daddy" is. If anyone can find this commercial I will give you a million dollars OR say thank you. We've discussed how awesome the Tropicana Robert Loggia commercial is, and guess what? It's STILL awesome.  Anyway, those are the classics, here's a new one to be obsessed with.

It reunites Uncle Jesse, Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone. I really, really hope you've seen it because otherwise we've got nothing to talk about. Kidding. We can talk about Saved by the Bell, too.

Seriously, have you seen this? I had a conniption when I did, I was that excited. Also let's talk about how Bob Saget is totally FILTHY and it's amazing.

For your viewing pleasure...

Second Time Around... Not Just a Wedding Song Anymore...

Do you know this song? This is a really good song.

My college bestie is having twins (and the other one is getting married this year - are these the little girls I carried??) and I was thinking about what I learned the second time around that I was definitely too overwhelmed to realize during Bink's first year. What did you learn with your second, or what did you wish you knew after your first was out of the baby phase? Here is my list, so far:

Pampers are awesome. Awesome. But once you have to start paying for them yourself, Luvs or Up and Up work just fine.

Speaking of, getting a Target debit card is huge if that is where you shop. Free shipping on everything and 5% off? They're also usually the cheapest for formula and often do a gift card if you buy a certain amount.

Ebates is very key, as you can use the money you save buying junk for your kids on junk for yourself.

For us, Dr. Brown's bottles were the only ones that worked. I spent a lot of money on many different bottles that Bink just wouldn't take and then BAM! Dr. Brown's fixed everything. Of course this is super specific and every kid is different but it was a pain in the butt so I just wanted to throw this out there.

It's okay if the kitchen is dirty. It's okay if everything is dirty.

Babies are out to destroy you, so make sure your partner is on board with this. It's us against them and the sooner you realize that, the better.

How you feed your baby is a personal choice. PERSONAL.

Pajamas without feet are useless for teeny tinies with freezing toes and baby socks don't stay on. Get the footies.

That's my list for now, I think. What have you got? 

I'll Never Buy Wine at Trader's Again... My Fault, NOT Theirs

Ah, a topic everyone can relate to - wine. I'm drunk as we speak! Kidding. I mean, I'm drinking, but I won't get drunk for a while. Actually, I've felt drunk all week even though I've only been drunk part of the week. Anyway, Bink was at preschool and of course I did what any red-blooded American would do - went straight to Trader Joe's for peanut butter crackers and wine.

I had Baby Boy in the big part of the carriage in his car seat, so that pretty severely limited the space I had to put my impending purchases (you know where this is going, don't you?). I made do, buying the crackers I needed and the 49580 things I didn't, but cannot pass up because it's Trader Joe's, where holding back is impossible, and then made my way to the wine section.

I have been buying slightly nicer wine since Baby Boy was born since I get up with him and if I drink junky wine, I get a hangover really easily, and I have found one that I looooooooove and want to marry and have ten thousand of its babies. It's called The Stump Jump and it is so good. It's a shiraz, and if you want something that costs like ten bucks and is awesome, I highly recommend it. But I always like to try new things, so I went around, picking out a few bottles that I haven't tried yet, and then went over to The Stump Jump.

And all of the wine and hummus and cheese and crackers and everything else I picked up fell out of the cart and smashed into a bajillion pieces.

BAJILLION.

And it was so loud and there was glass EVERYWHERE and red wine and hummus all over the place (the hummus containers totally busted open and it was disgusting) and it legit looked like a crime scene. And while I do fancy myself a bit of a Rizzoli or Isles, I was moooooortified.

And then the swarm came in.

The swarm of super nice TJ employees who told me not to worry about it, to keep shopping and they would go get me replacements of all of the things that I broke, to stay with the baby (who was still sleeping, thank goodness, if he had started crying I think I would have lost it) and not to worry, it happens all the time and nobody cares.

So of course I did what anyone else would do. I hid. And my face was burning hot and my cart was, like, empty, and I didn't know what to do. And then the super nice TJ's employee who was tasked with replacing my broken items FOUND me and was like "oh, there you are! Here are your millions of random grocery items!" He was SO nice and I was then of course even more embarrassed because I was, like, crouched in a corner when he approached me.

I thanked him, probably cried a little because I'm a baby, and ran to the register.

And could not get my Stump Jump because CSU was still processing the scene RIGHT in front of that part of the display. So I got some other stuff, but it's not the same. And I can never show my face at Trader's again until the next time I go.

Moral of the story: Trader Joe's is fabulous. I am a moron. And peanut butter crackers are awesome.

Officially Out of Ideas

He was up at 3:00, screaming. I got him at 4:45. He didn't want to eat, he wasn't wet, he just wanted to hug. And while I appreciated the sentiment, I'd prefer this outpouring of love at, say, 8:00 a.m.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I dressed him like a fancy lad.

I think I'm losing it. Just a bit.

All Right, Stop What You're Doin, Cause I'm About to Ruin... My Kid. Crap.

Did you know that Humpty Hump/Shock G is like a REALLY accomplished musician and producer? I did not. Do you think he's wearing the nose? Right now?

Anyway, I broke my kid. Here's the deal. Baby Boy was "sleeping" through the night - going to bed perfectly, sleeping, yelling but I wasn't getting him, but then getting up at 4:50. I don't know what it is, but if he had slept 20 more minutes, even 15, I would be okay. Getting up before 5 is BRUTAL. It destroys your soul. Studies have shown it. Well, the study I have conducted on myself in my house over the past 2 weeks, anyway. So last night, he started SCREAMING at 2:55. I broke down and gave him a bottle, which I had stopped doing, gave him a bottle, he sucked it down, fell asleep, and proceeded to scream until 5:13 when I finally got out of bed and got him.

It may be teeth, who knows, but I am TOAST. I probably shouldn't have gotten him, but I couldn't listen to the yelling anymore and I thought he'd go back until, like, 7:00, which is what he used to do.

So I'm calling in the Think Tank. Yes, you. What do you think? How would you proceed tonight?