Monday, we're back to regularly scheduled programming

Swearsies.  Yup, S, I said swearsies.  And I MEAN it.

Anyway, the move commences this weekend, which means a few things...

1. Back to having a life.  It's been packing, bringing stuff to the new house, renovating the new house, all that stuff for about a month.  I will tell you, it stinks.  I am SO excited to be done with that it is not to be believed.  That said, I think last night I MAY have hit rock bottom.  Advise: last night I packed until the living room was full and there was nowhere to put boxes, so I took a short break.  I poured a nice big glass of three-buck-Chuck, foraged in our pitifully empty fridge (obviously, who grocery shops just to schlep everything across town?  No, thanks.) and found some potato salad my aunt had made for us.  Note: I hate potato salad passionately.  PASSIONATELY.  But for some reason, my aunt's potato salad is the greatest thing in the whole world.  So I grabbed the giant Tupperware she'd given me (she also made us a ham and chicken soup, HEAVEN), sat on the couch, and turned on the TV.  And that is when I remembered.  I did it.  I did the most amazing thing ever over the weekend.

I taped Phat Girlz.

What is Phat Girlz, you ask?  Um, only the most ridiculous and hilarious movie EVER.  It stars Mo'nique before she was Precious's mom and it is basically about this heavy girl and her best friend, who are getting screwed eight ways to Sunday for not being skinny, when they meet an African prince and his Arsenio Hall-esque lackey a la Coming to America, and guess what?!  They all fall in love!  And then randomly for no reason Mo'nique becomes a famous fashion designer and her clothing line is called... wait for it... Thick MaDAME.  OMG, I am laughing so hard just sitting here thinking about it.  It's on Oxygen ALL the time at, like 2 AM.  You MUST DVR it.  It is SO amazing.

So I turn on Phat Girlz and am laughing uproariously and drinking my wine and eating a giant plastic bowl of potato salad when Husband comes home early and totally catches me with, like, mayonnaise on my face.  We may be getting divorced.  Just kidding, he thought it was hot.  ANYWAY, that is legit the ONLY story I have from the past month. 

2. I can continue spending all the money in the world on home decor.  I love it, but wow, expensive!  Living in crappy apartments you don't care about is cheap.  Having a home that is 5x the size of the apartment and you care about it?!  Expensive!  But that's okay, because I can spend all day secretly pretending I am Genevieve Gorder, aka My Idol (that makeup!  That hair!  The way she says assessories!) and buying elephant tables.  When it is set up, I'll show you and you will love it.  Promise.  Unless you hate it.  If you do, don't tell me, okay?

3. Produce.  I will start buying it again.  Thank GOODNESS.

There's more, I know there is, but I'm tired now and have to get back to doing important things like not getting pedicures.  So we'll come back on Monday, refreshed, recharged, and ready to tackle life.  I leave you with this.  You are so, so welcome.

I'll Make Love to You Tuesday

I'm going to pretend you don't notice it is Wednesday.  Tricky!  Also, I watch this video every time I post it.  And it's ridiculous.

1. THIS song.  It's going to be my wedding song with my brother-in-law.  I'll explain.  I have taken so much crap from this turkey over the years that I think it is only fair that I get a big-time solo at his wedding.  What?  That is not weird.  Chances of it actually happening: 0%.  But it's so funny to think of it actually taking place that we talk about it all the time.  I assume this hilarious banter will stop when he does get engaged, but I will enjoy it while it lasts.

2. Garnier Fructis Pure Clean Styling Cream.  This 100% takes out frizz if you have tons of unruly, dry, horrible hair like mine.  It is HEAVEN.

Get it. And it's like always on sale at CVS.

3. Buffalo chicken pasta from Plain Chicken.  I've made it 58390 times and it's so delicious.  Basically I think anything from Plain Chicken is amazing.  Nothing is too complicated and everything tastes SO good. 

Delicioso! To quote Bink...

This is a quickie this week.  Ha, quickie. 

What is it you plan do with your one wild and precious life?

Do you guys know who Tucker Max is?  I guess he is famous, but I had not heard of him until I went to the library on Monday and found his book, "Hilarity Ensues."  I got it, obviously, because "hilarity ensues" is awesome.  Basically, it's about his drunken antics with his friends and girls.  I was kind of over the stories after a little while - if I were reading this at 23 I would have found it much cooler, I think - but he's a good writer and I did like how he was totally honest about stuff and how he just went for the life he wanted.  I'm a self-help book junkie (ONLY from the library, I never buy those books.  Actually, I very rarely buy books.  I love the library like a fat kid loves cake.  Or reading, if they are bookish.) and of course every book says that you have to pay attention to your life and what you are doing and how you are living it, and sometimes I think that I am doing exactly that, and other times I catch myself totally coasting.  Like, I should be using more of my brain and doing what I think I'm really good at instead of going on Facebook.  That's all very nice to SAY, but isn't it tough to actually DO it?  I think it is.  So maybe I'll start trying a little harder, doing the things that I really want to do - accomplishing goals and all of that.  But first I guess I'd have to really think about my goals, and do I want to share them?  Are they cheesy?  Is it better to put it out there or keep it to myself?  Stupid self-doubt.  I am also reading a book about raising a brave child (mostly I am reading this for myself - Bink so brave I cannot believe it) and it makes me see how I want to raise my child/ren (not preg), and while I'm doing a lot that I like, I definitely don't want to pass on any issues with self-doubt, or really, have any self-doubt of mine.  What if all of the negative things I think about myself aren't true?  What would happen if I wasn't scared? 

If I wasn't scared, probably I would do a lot of things.  Hm, maybe a bucket list isn't the worst thing in the world.  It's not like my dream is to do some sort of donkey show.  Ew.  Crass.  But why should anyone be embarrassed by their dreams and goals?  Why should anyone keep that to themselves?  I think I will think about this and make a list.  Everyone else make a list, too, okay?  Sounds good. 



This girl's art is awesome. I have a few of her pieces at home and they are my favorites.



Breaking Down Breaking Amish

Okay, episode two was WAY better than the premiere because, well, this one was a whole lot more ridiculous.  Let's discuss, via my many, many observations and stupid questions, what happened...

• Why is Rebecca so mean?  She was snarky to Sabrina about eating, and mean about Kate.  It's not like Kate came up to her and was like "Yeah, I'm beautiful Amish and you have no teeth."  I think she is insecure.  But I still don't think it requires all the snark.  Funny snark is one thing, she just kind of bugs me.
• Why does Abe love her so much?  I wish he did not love her so much.  I want him to be swept away by some English girl who will make him cut off his long back-hair.  Note that I did not mean the hair on his  back, I mean the long hair on the back of his head.  Why is that there? 
• I loved drunk Kate and Sabrina.  That is exactly how my girlfriends and I are, down to the coverings.  That's Amish for bonnet, btw.  Pay attention!
• Rebecca's fake teeth storyline made me mad because it made me feel badly, even though really who cares if she has false teeth?  Like, better that than no teeth.  I don't think they should have made fun of her, but then Rebecca basically called her fat, so are they even?
• Going to the store was a nightmare.  Also, do they have kitchens in their hotels?  I feel like they bought meat, but maybe they were just looking at it? 
• Abe calling girls "skanks".  Heaven in a glass of unpasteurized cow's milk.
• Jeremiah only had like one funny one-liner and I expected more.  It's still early. 
• I would not want to share Rebecca's bed.
• I also missed Rebecca sharing the shunning story about her mom.  And I wasn't even drinking.  BUNK.
• Basically, this is the first season of the Real World, before it got too stupid, right?
• Kate looks like Ashlee Simpson.
• Next week!  Abe's weirdo mom busts sh!t up!  Amish Gronk Brother is nowhere to be found.

I feel like next time I have to watch this with wine.  It was really good, but it could be WAY better.

Weekend!

Okay, how was the weekend?  Mine was busyish.  I will say that I cannot WAIT to get into this house.  I am sick of the apartment, and hate it the most.  But I do enjoy purchasing many, many items from Home Goods so it's not terrible or anything.  It will just be nice to be moved in.  Maybe, like, two more weeks?

Bink now thinks she invented gymnastics.  She loves it.  Last week she cried like someone was trying to steal her Dora doll or give her a hug.  Also, terrible twos.  Wow.  She's not two yet, but same diff.  She's a toughie.

Hallmark movies are better than Lifetime movies.  Well, sometimes.  This weekend on Hallmark there were, like, 5980 movies that were awesome.  They were wholesome and pure and really, really stupid and starred many Full House alumns like Gia, Stephanie's wild friend, and DJ Tanner.

Dinner.  Who makes dinner and who wants to help me with options?  I am in a RUT.  Keep buying groceries but never have anything to make or eat. 

And finally, this is the weirdest toy ever.  I really, really want to buy it.

It's a Styling Head. Remember the awesome Barbie one of these?

Breaking Amish

Anyone?  Yeah, it's amazing.  Let's discuss.  I am steadily working my way through my two-buck Chuck and to help me along are Rebecca, Jeremiah, Sabrina, Abe and Kate, the Model Amish.  HEAVEN.  Okay, so my girlfriends and I watched the first episode last night.  Let's start off by saying that US WEEKLY said that this show was exploitative, so, um, yeah, you know it's going to be horrifying, but we persevered.  Because it is a total trainwreck that also lead to some really deep thinking...

1. Okay, these kids are Amish and Mennonites - I know Sabrina can use electricity, but can she use the internet and TV?  How did they get to be on this show in the first place?  Like, how would they have known about it?  The only thing we came up with was that random TLC producers were walking around their communities and asked them.  How else could it have worked?

2. Why was it okay for Abe's family to be on TV but, like, nobody else?  And why was Ella so mean and manly?  And why did Andy look like Rob Gronkowski? 

3. How did Rebecca get that FAT wad of cash? 

4. Why did they keep alluding to Kate's DUI but never actually talk about it on the show?  Did I miss something when I was getting more wine?

5. Jeremiah and Sabrina are adopted.  How did that happen?  I thought the whole point was to be separate so how did adoption even come up? 

6. Why am I so in love with Abe's brother/Gronk?  Will he be on future episodes?

7. Why was it the shortest hour of television ever?  It seriously lasted like 68 seconds. 

8. Why are they shunned if they leave?  I thought the whole rumspringa thing was exactly this, so why will they have to eat outside from now on?

Okay, everyone please watch this with me so we can discuss because I promise I'm going to be addicted. 

Boob Lamps

Okay, I am going to share with you something very personal and awful.  It happened over the weekend and I don't know if I'll ever get over it.  Let me start by saying that the girl I sit next to has a really annoying ringtone (who has ringtones anymore?  Doesn't everyone just do vibrate?  On my old phone, back in the 2000s, my ringtone was from Family Guy, from the episode where Brian becomes a drug sniffing police dog and becomes addicted to cocaine and Meg says "Wow, Brian, have you lost weight?  You gotta tell me your secret?" and Brian says, "Here's a hint, put down the fork!! FACE!"  It was a long ringtone.) and someone keeps calling her.  Now let me tell the story.

So on Saturday, I went to Home Depot three times.  Prior to Saturday, my lifetime Home Depot visits were one.  I will say that I adore Home Depot and cannot wait to go back to get stick-on backsplash and mirrors and more paint to transform all of my old ecky furniture into Pinterest-worthy items.  My first two trips to HD were to purchase mirrors for the bathrooms, various nails, and other things that I forget but were very important at the time. My third visit was taken with my little brother.  We had been working and chasing Bink around all day and maybe getting a little punchy.  We were tasked to buy five lights for the bedrooms and living room and had very little time to do so.

CEILING PAINT!  That's what we bought on the second trip.

So the HD lighting section is large and wonderful.  Most of the lighting is tasteful and simple, but of course my brother found the ceiling fan-slash-light-up-globe-planet and became totally obsessed with it and tried to make me buy it.  I would not.  So he stood there, like this, staring up at this stupid fan while I did all of the hard work:

Looking lovingly at the globe light. Sans Jonas Brother haircut.

Also, do you know any Jonas Brothers songs?  I don't know any.  So why are they so famous?  And why is Carly Rae Jepsen Justin Beiber's protege?  He's like fourteen and she is at least old enough to vote or buy cigs.

So I pick out my lights and tell him we can go and he looks at me and is like "You have to put those back."

Me: "What?  Shut up, we have to get back.  These lights are awesome."

Bro: "No, they are not.  You have to put them back."

Me: "I AM NOT BUYING THAT STUPID GLOBE LIGHT!"

Bro: "Fine.  You should, but fine.  But you have to put those lights back, anyway."

Me: "Why?"

Bro: "I'm not saying it."

Me: "I don't know what you are talking about!"

Bro: "Don't.  Make.  Me.  Say.  It."

Me: "TELL ME!!"

Bro: "Fine.  You asked.  It's because... they look like boobs."

Me:

We do NOT say "boob" to each other!  We just don't.  It cannot be explained or helped or defended.  It is just how it is.  I could not look at him for like two hours and was so furious.  Not to mention he was WRONG and they did NOT look like boobs!

Fine, they TOTALLY did.  He was right and I was wrong.  But it doesn't make it okay.  Boob lamps for life!

Rugs

OMG.  Rugs.  I need to get three rugs.  One for the dining room, one for the living room, and one for the foyer.  Do you say "foy-ay" like they do in Troop Beverly Hills?  Yeah, me, too.  Also, this weekend Troop Beverly Hills, Sound of Music and Super Troopers were on multiple times.  It was really annoying to have to do house stuff, because there isn't a tv there yet.  I digress...

So I need a 10x14 turquoise rug, an 8x10 gray chevron rug, and a cool blackish rug for the foy-ay because I have a candy-apple red table and sunburst mirror (from HOME DEPOT, which I will tell you about when I have recovered from) and that would look cool and slick.  For some reason, choosing these rugs has been impossibly torturous and terrible.  Like, harder than giving birth or watching an entire football game sans beer.

OH.  Cisco Brewers Pumple Drumkin is the best pumpkin beer ever because it is not too sweet and therefore you can have like ten of them.  Or two.  But I love pumpkin beer but after the first one I am always sweeted out, but it is not the case with these.  I don't know if these are local because Cisco is on Nantucket, but if you can get it they are worth a try.  UNLESS you like the really sweet pumpkin beer.  Then you will hate it and be mad at me, so don't try it.  Are we clear?

Also, look at how cute the little pumpkin man is!

So, I am buying the rugs on Overstock and don't try to give me any hip new websites to try, because I won't use them.  I'll look at them and love things but then go back to Overstock, it's just how it's going to be.  So look on Overstock if you want and tell me if you like anything.  And I'll obsess and not buy it. 

I'll Make Love to you Tuesday... Trader Joe's Edition

Yes, it's Wednesday.  Anyway, a Trader's FINALLY opened about 1.4 miles from my house (house, dude that feels good to say) and I went.  And people apparently don't know how to act in "stores" because everyone in there was losing their minds 100%.  Like, guys, I know we don't have these, but it's still a grocery store.  Same rules apply.  So here are the best things I got... I am so hungry.

1. Dark chocolate peanut butter cups.  Um, yes.  Heaven.
2. Chipotle hummus.  It was, like, five cents.  Or $1.99.  Deeeeeelicious.  Or, delicioso, as Bink likes to say when she is excited and starts speaking random Spanish.
3. Case of cabernet sauvingnon.  It was CHEAP.  And again, delicioso.  That time, I was moved to Spanish.
4. Light coconut milk.  Ninety-nine cents!  It's, like $4 everywhere else. 
5. These brownie chip bars.  SO good.  Bink ate, like 3 at once.  I let her, because I am an awesome mom.  And also, drunk on cab.

It's My Birthday

Birthdays are fun, I always like to know when it's someone's birthday, and today it is mine.  I forgot how old I was, which is perfectly fine and no bigs, except I thought I was younger.  Oh, well!  That's okay.  So, biggest day of the year aside, what else has been happening?

Bought a house.  It's awesome.  We'll be painting this weekend, if you want to come over with brownies and brushes.  There is also a sweet swingset and playhouse that Bink is obsessed with.

Also, Dora?  Yikes.  She is the worst and Bink is OBSESSED.  It's awful for all involved, particularly me.  Also, there are many iterations of Dora.  She can have like 568490 Dora dolls and it's always the one at Grammy's that she HAS to have, except we're home.  Oh, Dora, you scamp!

Bought a car.  It's also awesome.  I never cared about cars - my current car is a piece of junk, but we traded in Husband's piece of junk and got a pimp ride.  It has leather seats.  Um, what?  Yes, I know.  And I love driving it. 

My father-in-law bought me 25 nips for my birthday.  Nobody can top that.

So, yeah, today I am buying makeup and outfits and drinking wine - yes, I am working - and it's awesome. 

And right here I wanted to pop in the video of the episode of Saved by the Bell where they throw a party for Screech in Mr. Belding's office but for some reason it's not easily found on YouTube.  That has to be a mistake, right?

Happy birthday to me!