The Pool

So my complex has a pool.  It's super nice and I take Bink there sometimes because she is insane about the water.  LOVES it.  So we go and we're having a nice time splashing around and whatever - there are a ton of moms and dads there with their kids and everyone sort of hangs out.  No big deal, right?

Wrong.  Obviously.

So everyone is playing and all of a sudden this man, with a long, romantic ponytail comes bounding into the water.  Now, it's like three o'clock on a Friday afternoon, not disco time (ha!  Disco time!) and he is WASTED.  Like, so wasted you can smell the booze on him from the shallow end, and he is cavorting in the deep end.  Yes, cavorting.  He is flipping his ponytail all around and trying to talk to everyone (everyone being the twelve year olds and toddlers with their parents who are swimming away as fast as they can because, well, EW) when he finally decides to talk to the lifeguards because they have to stay where they are and cannot run away screaming.  Also, this guy is at least thirty-five and the lifeguards are in high school. 

He's talking and talking away while the poor kids look as if they want to die, and he keeps saying REALLY inappropriate things, to which the lifeguards respond "You can't say things like that here, sir, it's inappropriate, I'm sorry" (of course I am sneakily laughing my head off) and he keeps saying "No worries, no worries, I'll stop."  He brags to these kids about being Scottish (um, he is American, probably his great-great-great-times-a-billion grandmother had McDonalds once or something) and then he jumps out of the water, steals a baby's float off of a deck chair along with the kid's teddy bear, and jumps back in the water with it, pretending that it is his child.  It's like he totally forgot he was even talking to the lifeguards, which I am sure they were happy about, but um, you can't steal things.  So he's talking to the bear, pretending it is his baby, when finally the lifeguards have to throw him out.  He is so wasted he's not even embarrassed, he's like, "Cool, see ya!" puts back the kid's stuff, and leaves. 

It was the weirdest thing ever.  Everyone sort of looked at one another, wondering if we had all actually seen what just happened.  Oh, romantic ponytail, thank you for making me feel good about myself.