WHY IS SHE NOT SLEEPING?!

I don't get it.  Literally, we went to bed at 2.  Up at her normal time.  Screaming and crabbing and please excuse me while I jump out the window.

Lucky for her she is cute...

An Embarrassing Secret...

Good afternoon, my darlings... no, no, nothing is wrong... just same old me, doing the same old thing.

FINE!  I can't take it anymore!  I must reveal my secret shame.

I have full on Christmas MANIA.

It's sad and it's gross and I don't care.  Last year I was WAY too post-partem-depressey to be able to enjoy the full experience of a holiday with a child, but now I'm back and on more Prozac than ever and I see that have kids around the holidays is AWESOME.  You can buy EVERYTHING.  And it's fine and nobody can tell you to put it away because it is all for the kid.  Amazing.  Here's what Bink and I have done so far:

• Made a Christmas card.  The background, anyway.  Now the only thing we need to do is take the cutest picture in the world of her in HER ELF HAT and we are golden.
• Bought an elf hat.
• Set the DVR to tape 23 Christmas movies on Lifetime, ABC Family and the Hallmark Channel this week.
• Got a cookie press to make spritz cookies, my dream come true.
• Bought ornaments and fabric glue to make even MORE ornaments!
• Got millions of sparkly items to put all over the place so nothing is without cheer.
• Strongarmed the husband into letting us decorate tonight instead of after Thanksgiving, which is really the appropriate time to start decorating, I know this.
• Already listened to Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses, which is the greatest holiday song of all time.  ALL TIME!

Now she is napping and I am preparing our next move.  Probably to go to the store to buy milk and FLOUR for my spritz cookies.  OMG I cannot wait. 

It's All Right, 'Cause it's Saved by the Bell Thursday!

YAY!  Best time of the week!  BESIDES wine o'clock, I'm human after all.  Time to hit up the old Bayside yearbook (class of 198-fabulous) and see who we've got today...

Drum roll (by Slater, drummer of Zack Attack) please...

It's Johnny Dakota!

Seriously, he is in my top three FAVORITE random characters on SBTB for many, many reasons:

• Cool hair
• Cool jacket
• Johnny sweat (you remember the sunglasses Lisa bought "complete with Johnny sweat")
• When putting together the blocking for the commercial he points to the stick figure that is supposed to be Kelly and he smoothly says "But you have more curves." 
• How he calls Zack "friend" when he is mad and Zack is like "you are NOT my friend, drugface"
• He has a sexy manager who follows him everywhere.

Okay, so here's what happens in this episode.  Johnny Dakota's hot car (it HAS to be a limo, right?) breaks down and the only place they can find to stop is a not-gas-station-or-mechanic-but-Bayside-High.  Apparently, he is shooting a drug commercial (anti, der) at a different high school (HAS to be Valley, right?) and was on his way there when the car broke down.  Hey, you're already at a high school, why not choose Bayside instead?!  Lisa swoons because she loves him so much, and Jessie acts like the snobby class president we know and love and is like "Why don't I tell you about what else that makes Bayside great?" and then they do some stupid rap song about drugs and it sucks and Johnny's still unconvinced at the coolness of BHS when suddenly Zack brings Kelly out from volleyball practice or something and he falls in love with her INSANE camel toe and cropped jean jacket and agrees that Bayside is the school that's cool and you know that it's true (wait! Different episode.  A TORI episode.  Vom.). 

I tried really hard to find the CT picture, but I cannot Google that so this is what you get.

Perfection.

So they are immediately swept into the Hollywood scene and go to a hot party where Jessie is dressed like she's on her way to interview for Patrick Bateman's secretary and lo and behold, drugs abound!  Johnny doesn't think it's a big deal since it's only pot, but the high school kids do NOT think it's cool.  Except Zack, who sort of does and would totally have stayed if not for Kelly's prudish fears.  The next day (obviously) they are back at school shooting the commercial and they confront him and it is boring and then some random people who also hate drugs sit together in a room and talk about it and then at the end Brandon Tartikoff saves the day by being WAY funnier and cooler than Mr. Belding could ever imagine.

I don't know if they are trying to be funny, but it is. Sweet bomber.

Phew.  There is way more to this episode, but these are definitely the highlights.

Okay, internets, do your worst:
Johnny Dakota was an actor who chose Bayside as the site for filming his anti-drug commercial in a 1991 episode. He was played by Eddie Garcia, who was one of the stars of another NBC comedy series called Guys Next Door and was dating Tiffani-Amber Thiessen at the time (Interestingly, he fell for her character Kelly in the episode). Zack thinks this is a great idea. He sees this as a chance for stylish parties and to get close to Hollywood babes. However the gang soon found that Johnny himself was a pot user. After being shunned by the gang as a result of his dirty habit, Johnny left Bayside without filming his commercial. The gang then filmed an anti-drug PSA with the help of Brandon Tartikoff.

Note: I definitely remember the theme song to The Guys Next Door.  It went "We're the guys!  We're the guys next door, we're the guys next door, whoa-oh!"  You're welcome.  But wait, where is this Eddie Garcia now???

Um, he is a dancer.  It is weird.  He was also on The Tony Danza show in 1997.  Did you know there was a Tony Danza Show, ever?  Oh, and he was in Lambada.  The Forbidden Dance!!!

OMG and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo!  He should have retired from the business then and there!!

Here we go again...

Latest traffic sources to "Sleep is So 2009"*

• worst duck face         
• screech,s robot from saved by the bell
• gossip girl towel on her head         
• big picture of dj tanner
• duck face cleavage cartoon picture 
• geekburger 
• locker room naked

If you were the one who entered these to get here, again, I implore you to reveal yourself, as you are much, much more interesting than I am.

I think my favorite HAS to be "geekburger".  Note: you are ALL geekburgers with cheese.

*The funny ones.  There were boring ones, but who cares about those?

Holiday cheer

So the holidays are coming.  That means you can spend more time with friends, family and other assorted loved ones, getting to know one another all over again, for the first time.  A good way to do this would be spending time reconnecting in front of a fire, drinking mulled cider and enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers.

Or, you could play this.

Yes, it is real.

It's called Un-Uh!  No, He Di'int! and it is the greatest game of all time.  I think that it cost $12 approximately three years ago, so if you are feeling the economic pinch, you could definitely recreate this for $2.50.   

Want to play?  Awesome, let's do it.

This is the box that the game comes in.  Everyone who has played it with me thus far has asked if this is me on the cover.  It is not.

The back of the box.  You can see here that it is a game of secrets and laughter.  They are NOT falsely advertising.  But they are down at the bottom, when they say you should not play it with alcohol.  Much like the 90210 Survey Game I got when I was 13 and still play regularly, you need to play with booze or it is really boring and stupid.

 Rules!  A good game always has rules and UU!NHD-I! is no exception.  Please note that they say on the box not to play with alcohol, but they are hip to our little game and know that not nobody ain't playing with the booze.

More rules.  The glare is kind of bad, but you will see that all of these games neither inspire secrets nor laughter.  MORE false advertising.

 The board.  It looks like you could play multiple games in one evening, as the board is so small.  Do not be fooled.  It takes forever and you will barely be able to finish one game in one night.

 The spinner.  As you can see, you don't get much here.

A close-up of the board.  You probably can't see it, but that yellow square says: "My man's a pig!" "Girl, let me tell you!" and "He never takes me out!"  Be prepared to shout these catchphrases multiple times during the game and in your personal day-to-day life.  You will also probably get these phrases wrong in real life and say different things (i.e. "Go on girl, tell me about it!") and be very shocked and angry when you read the actual catchphrase.

You're welcome.

So if you are thinking of things to do during the coming holiday season, you can play this and think of me.  Or play the 90201 Survey Game (I don't know if they make that anymore) and think of this.  I just want to be in there somewhere.

How Dunkin Donuts Crushed My Spirit Before 8:45 AM, A Love Story...

Fine, it's not.

Okay, who else hates when this happens?  Your train gets in early and you think "Ooh, I love iced tea from Dunkin Donuts, I think I will go to the Dunkin in the train station because I'm right here, and get a delicious iced tea and be on my merry way!!"

How it SHOULD have been.

And then you go to the Dunkin Donuts in the train station, and the people waiting in line are more hideous than those at the DMV (what is it about the DMV?  You walk in Kate Middleton and as soon as you pass through the door you become Carrot Top) AND meaner.  You order your iced tea, and the girl making your iced tea cannot figure it out and says "Who orders iced tea?!" in a crazy voice and the other people waiting in line for their breakfast sandwiches give you meanface until you move behind them because they were there first even though as soon as you shamefacedly make your way to the back, crazy lady starts screaming "iced tea!" and you have to go back to the front, try to look haughty, but then you remember you probably also look like Carrot Top or a reasonably ugly facsimile and have to run away.

How it was.

So that's how my day is going.

Turkey Whores

Next week is Thanksgiving.  Who doesn't love Thanksgiving?  Do NOT raise your hand or else we're broken up.  And none of that "but I'm a vegetarian!"crap.  You can eat stuffing without meats.  I often do.  I'm actually doing it right now.

Meat-free. And delicious.

Doing it. 

Definitely still own this.

Anyway, so normally we go to my uncle's house, wherein my husband and I drink all of my family's wine and don't offer to help clean, and then force my little cousins (who are in their twenties, whatever, they will always be babies to me!) to find their old Sweet Valley High and Baby-Sitters Club books and we read them aloud.  Then we go to my husband's family's house and eat more turkey and it is awesome, but there is a lot of driving involved, since we are in one place and my husband's family is a bit north of us.

But not this year.

This year we are going to be doing the coolest thing ever.  Thursday will be spent at my uncle's house, but then Friday morning we are going up to my husband's family lake house and we are doing Thanksgiving there.  Picture a cross between "On Golden Pond" (in terms of beauty, etc.) and "Animal House" (in terms of our behavior).  It is going to be SO much fun.  So I am obsessing over this and this morning I presented Husband with a really good idea.

Me: "We should definitely buy extra stuffing to make after dinner.  It always goes first, because it is the best, and then we can enjoy it as leftovers and everyone will think I am brilliant?"
Husband: "Yeah, good idea."
Me: "Um, it is a REALLY good idea.  Why aren't you more excited about it?  We can have stuffing at like ten at night!"
Husband: "Yup, stuffing is good."

And that was that.  Here's why it makes me furious: what will happen, because this is what ALWAYS happens, is that I will bring up stuffing, and nobody will care, and then someone will find it in the kitchen and make it and everyone will enjoy it and then everyone will take full credit for this awesome idea and it will be like I never existed.  Guaranteed.  And now I have legit proof (when I complain about this, I am always asked for evidence that something was my idea, and now I have it.)  that I thought of this first. 

PS: I mostly called this "Turkey Whores" because I wanted to see if anyone searched for something like this.  I condone neither turkey nor whoring.  You know what I mean.