The Best Website Ever and Why My Son Will Probably Ask His Algebra Teacher to the Prom

You are all welcome. Well, if you have junky sleeping babies. This is literally a life-changer.

www.troublesometots.com

Um, why isn't this woman running the country? The universe? I'm serious. She is literally solving Baby Boy's sleep issues without incident and it makes TOTAL sense. Here is what I took away from it:

So Bubba is 7 months old and goes down to sleep very easily, but then wakes up and SCREAMS bloody murder for hours. I have been putting him down on the bottle, with a pacifier, so he falls asleep on me, with something in his mouth, and then wakes up in a different spot, with nothing in his mouth, and freaks out. Well, yeah, that makes sense. It would probably freak me out, too. But did I think of that? No. Her brilliancy did, so I switched it up: bottle, bath, book and bed. And I gave him a lovey, which I never did because Bink never really attached to anything. I put him down awake at 7:30. He cried for exactly 35 seconds, and made not a peep until 5:15.

Yeah.

And she recommends the mom carrying around the lovey for a while so it smells like you. Well, I didn't feel like doing that so in the afternoon I went into his room and sprayed my perfume on his sheet and his toy. I wear Dior Addict. It's not exactly a "baby" scent. So when he's 16 years old and wondering why he's innately drawn to the musky florals and heady Orientals that emanate from the old women working in the library, I will say not a word. And you'd better not, either.

Of course that whole situation is bunk, because he's obviously taking ME to the prom, as nobody will ever, ever love him as much as I do. And then when we share a dorm room at his college of choice, I'll spray his room down every night with my old lady perfume and we'll read "The Teddy Bears Picnic"...

I know, but I can't help it. So that excuses it. Sucka!

My Daughter is Calling Me by my First Name and Baby Boy is Mad at Me

I tough loved Baby Boy last night.

He will sleep 12 hours one night and the next be up at midnight for the day and this is NOT okay.

So last night he woke up at one. I rocked him and put him back down. And he SCREAMED and cried like I threw out Leo, his monkey (I didn't). And so I had two choices. I could go get him again or I could let him cry.

I let him cry.

I shut the door. I shut my door. I turned up the TV (sorry, Husband) and just went to sleep.

At 7:00 this morning, he was sitting calmly in his crib when I went to check on him. Usually, it's Christmas morning, the Lilly Pulitzer sale and a party sub rolled into one when I come in. Today, NOTHING. He was Somber Sam and would not smile at me. He smiled at Bink. He smiled at Husband. But I got a very serious face and then he POINTEDLY looked away. Like, totally on purpose.

So obviously I stood on my head, tickling him, bouncing him, anything I could think of and he seriously wouldn't look at me! He knows what I did and he is so disappointed in me that he can't even make eye contact. Hopefully, when I give him his applesauce and puffs he'll forgive me, but right now it's the full-on Deep Freeze.

Remember the episode of Friends when Rachel goes to the airport to talk to Ross about how he's in love with her but the flight attendant tells that random guy instead? And he says to his wife, "Don't give me that deep freeze!"? This is the current situation. Except worse. 18 pounds of pure disgust. It's tragic.

And Bink has taken to calling me by my first name. Or "Maw", like she is some old-timey cowboy.

Okay, time to get back to my furious baby...

Dealing with Mom Fails...

I really hate being someone who thinks that if something good happens and you talk about it, it gets ruined.

You know where this is going!

How do you do it? I feel like the morning was all downhill - Baby Boy won't nap, Bink is driving me nuts, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm sick of the bad weather, I just want to go to sleep until it's 60 degrees everyday. It's a total Mom Fail day. I can't get out of my head that I'm not doing a good job and I'm probably taking it out on the kids by needing time away and having a shorter fuse than normal.

I know that taking time for yourself is NOT a bad thing, it is necessary, so maybe I should just shut my trap, give myself 20 minutes and hit the reset button. That's actually probably a really good idea. You guys are so smart!

How do you deal with Mom Fails? None of us are failing, but you know what I mean, when you feel like you just can't get anything right and want to hide, what do you do?

Monday Momrotica

It is 7:39 and my kids are still sleeping. Um, wow. I love daylight savings.

Even though it is snowing right now and that is totally depressing, this weekend it was sort of warm and we got to go outside and do the things that Bink loves - specifically, looking at animals and talking to them, and then demanding to know why they aren't talking back to her. We MAY watch a bit too much TV.

I put away my Ugg boots. I'm sick of them and I never want to wear them again. Which is why it's snowing now, I'm so, so sorry.

The husband WANTED to get subs yesterday! I am generally alone in my desire for giant sandwiches, so this was huge. Also, the place had DELICIOUS mozzarella sticks, like, the best I ever had. Oh, fried cheese.

Attacking the Gwyneth Paltrow cookbook again this week. I know it's so very cliche, but I adore her and secretly think I am her (what!?) and actually her cookbook "It's All Good" is well, all good. Everything is pretty easy (I substitute the weirdo stuff with normal stuff and it's still delicious) and I guess healthy.

Kids are up, jinxed it! Next we'll talk about Mini Eggs. Um, yeah. Spoiler: Eh...

Things I'm Too Old for Thursday

1. Getting the day right. I know it's Friday. 
2. Katy Perry and John Mayer breaking up. Why do I care? 
Exhibit A:

Stop. She is awesome. I adore her.

Exhibit B: I invented John Mayer. Fine, MAYBE I didn't, except I totally did. In 2001, 2002 or 2003 - whenever he only had that one song out - my friends and I saw him open up for the Counting Crows and he was actually super funny and cool. I think now he probably isn't, because he has broken up with girls who seem awesome, but what do I know? Well, I know that 10 to 13 years ago, before he was famous, he was funny and put on a good show. And you know what song I LOOOOVE? "Gravity." It reminds me of cocktail hour at a wedding.

3. Wanting to see Frozen. Like, I am seriously debating buying it OnDemand before it comes out, even though we'd end up buying the discs anyway because we don't have any of those "devices" that you can, like, link up or whatever, so we can watch it right now. I mean, seriously - Veronica Mars and Rachel Berry's mom? Come ON.

4. Thinking Cadbury Eggs are delicious. Because they are not. They are, in fact, DISGUSTING. So last year, I was pregnant and unable to eat, well, food, so I missed out on the Easter stash. So my mom got us some Creme Eggs, and I was SO excited. Until I took a bite and spit it out. Yes, I do spit out things I don't like, you wanna fight about it? Anyway, it was totally awful and I hate them now. They used to be my playground, they used to be my childhood dream, but now they are my nightmare. They are gross.

What are you too old for?

STOP THE PRESSES! BREAKING: BABY SLEEPS!!

He.

Slept.

He slept he slept he slept he slept!!

The coffee I am currently drinking is purely recreational.

There are cartoon birds brushing Bink's and my hair.

Baby Boy is smiling and has no black circles under his eyes.

I put him in at 8. He woke up SOAKED (shame on me for saying Luvs never leak, but he has literally never woken up wet before) at 2:00 so I changed him and put him in his carseat.

He slept until 6:30.

I love this baby so much.

Best Commercial Ever

Sometimes commercials just get to you and change your life. They alter a generation irrevocably, never to be the same. If you grew up in the New England area in the 1980's, you will totally know who "Chow Daddy" is. If anyone can find this commercial I will give you a million dollars OR say thank you. We've discussed how awesome the Tropicana Robert Loggia commercial is, and guess what? It's STILL awesome.  Anyway, those are the classics, here's a new one to be obsessed with.

It reunites Uncle Jesse, Danny Tanner and Joey Gladstone. I really, really hope you've seen it because otherwise we've got nothing to talk about. Kidding. We can talk about Saved by the Bell, too.

Seriously, have you seen this? I had a conniption when I did, I was that excited. Also let's talk about how Bob Saget is totally FILTHY and it's amazing.

For your viewing pleasure...

Second Time Around... Not Just a Wedding Song Anymore...

Do you know this song? This is a really good song.

My college bestie is having twins (and the other one is getting married this year - are these the little girls I carried??) and I was thinking about what I learned the second time around that I was definitely too overwhelmed to realize during Bink's first year. What did you learn with your second, or what did you wish you knew after your first was out of the baby phase? Here is my list, so far:

Pampers are awesome. Awesome. But once you have to start paying for them yourself, Luvs or Up and Up work just fine.

Speaking of, getting a Target debit card is huge if that is where you shop. Free shipping on everything and 5% off? They're also usually the cheapest for formula and often do a gift card if you buy a certain amount.

Ebates is very key, as you can use the money you save buying junk for your kids on junk for yourself.

For us, Dr. Brown's bottles were the only ones that worked. I spent a lot of money on many different bottles that Bink just wouldn't take and then BAM! Dr. Brown's fixed everything. Of course this is super specific and every kid is different but it was a pain in the butt so I just wanted to throw this out there.

It's okay if the kitchen is dirty. It's okay if everything is dirty.

Babies are out to destroy you, so make sure your partner is on board with this. It's us against them and the sooner you realize that, the better.

How you feed your baby is a personal choice. PERSONAL.

Pajamas without feet are useless for teeny tinies with freezing toes and baby socks don't stay on. Get the footies.

That's my list for now, I think. What have you got?